For your Monday reading pleasure, Dr. Rob and I continue our discussion of sex, drugs and death, the “Trifecta of American Hangups.” Today’s Part II – Sex:
PL: I think the reason we’re hung up on sex in this country is because we’re a pack of control freaks and sex is the one drive we can’t ever conquer. It’s our White Whale. We can stave off depression, hold cancer at bay, stop heart disease, steer the economies (well, until this year) and in all those things we can feel like we have the wheel, even if it’s just an illusion. But then, passing a high school and seeing a 17 year old Catholic school girl in one of those maddening plaid skirts, we’re suddenly forced to recognize just how little control we really have. Sure, we’re not rabid sex-crazed animals. We won’t act on our filthiest desires. But we’re forced to deal with the concept that even within ourselves, we can never extinguish certain base urges. No matter how much we try, we’re going to think about what’s under that skirt. We’ve harnessed so much in this country, and we seem to think that if we just put the right amount of effort and ingenuity into the endeavor, we can control every force in our society. Master every aspect of our existence, bring it all to our bidding. Make it safe and give us comfort everything’s always going to be alright. I don’t think we can’t deal with the fact that no matter how hard we try, our native sex drives defy our commands. So we do the next best thing – use sex as a device to control others through advertising, entertainment, or chastity as a form of moral currency in religion. Problem is, however much we use sex to control others, it still controls us, every one of us. Can you think of any greater force in the universe than sexual frustration? It’s the root evil under every wrongheaded and infantile ideology in our country, on the planet. I think until people learn to deal with sex as a force beyond our complete control – something utterly incompatible with absolute edicts – it’s going to remain the source of half of our national neuroses.
Dr. Rob: Like pinot noir, football and the Wii, sex is what makes America great. So it can be frustrating to listen to uber-conservatives prattle on about its immorality. And I agree that sex is used as a controlling device in both popular and religious culture. That being said, I caution every young client I see about the inherent vulnerability that comes with sexuality. There’s something in our hard-wiring that makes sex more than just orgasms. Our bodies were created to do it as much as possible, yet the psychological ramifications of it can be huge. When people are forced into it they often never recover, no matter how much therapy or medicine you give them. Men are taught that there’s a direct link between their self-esteem and how much tail they get. Women are labeled as sluts for having sexual expression. And while our bodies are prepped for sex at a young age, our psychological development lags far behind. So if sex is a superior force as you describe, our sexual education needs to focus not just on proper condom use and where to buy a dental dam, but also on how to work with this force so that the sexual experience is more fulfilling from a psychological standpoint. That might help our culture lose some of the neurosis you describe.

PL: I don’t know if all sex is “more than just orgasms.” Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been spontaneous, absent any emotional tether. It’s been little more than an orgasm, but the orgasm was good enough that, really, I don’t think I needed much more. I think we’re wired to fall in love or “deep like” and there’s a different kind of sex one can enjoy under those circumstances. But I also think we’re primordially wired to fuck like animals under certain circumstances. Have you ever met someone and just knew, somehow, in that instant, you were going to fuck her at some point? And it’s like she knew exactly the same thing at exactly the same moment? That’s not love. It’s something else. And no, I’m not talking about “getting some strange” or a random drunk one night stand. This is different, a process starting deep in the recesses of the brain, where certain characteristics in the other person set off an instinctual process – deeper than simple lust – where the two of you just know that if you fuck, it’s going to be amazing, and that you need to do it. My guess is it has something to do with genetics – recognition of an innate compatibility on the basest levels. Nature does the rest, sending a signal down a subconscious pathway from our caveman days telling both of you, “sleep with this person.” But there’s no deep emotion. It’s just fucking. So no. I’ve never bought the notion that all sex is more than just the physical act. I think you can fuck and it’s nothing but a physical release, or an animal compulsion. And I think that’s often some of the best fucking out there.
Dr. Rob: Your brain, along with the rest of you, is programmed to seek out partners and to reproduce as much as possible. Per nature’s calculations, you’re just a vehicle to producing more of you. So while you may not have any emotional connection or feeling of vulnerability, the fact that you’re serving our species’ purpose implies to me something more than a physical release. But that might be a matter of semantics. Shrinks get nitpicky with terminology.
I have no doubt that we’re hard-wired to fall in love. In “The Road Less Traveled,” M. Scott Peck says that this notion of Puppy Love and infatuation is simply a mechanism to bring people together to, again, perpetuate the species. He talks about how those feelings will almost invariably dissipate over time because the brain believes that enough seed has been spread and cultivated. This is why partnerships predicated on wild sex always reach a stage of disappointment.
PL: A couple last questions on the infamous double standard in regard to men and women and their sexual appetites. As far as I’ve known in life, women want to have sex just as much as men. And though the narrative in our culture seems to be that men are sexual predators and women prey, experience, and a load of female friends, indicate this is absolute nonsense. Many of the women I know can be utterly icy about sex. I’ve heard them talk about it in terms that would make men blush, brushing off the notion of calling men back with statements like, “He was a fling… I needed a piece” or describing the maintenance of multiple boyfriends as “juggling cocks.” Am I an exception? Someone who just happens to be friends with disproportionately high number of fun chicks? Seems to me, and most of the people I know across a broad variety of backgrounds, that women are accepted more and more as equally predatory operators. Why does that old narrative persist?
Dr. Rob: The majority of women I’ve seen in my practice and personal life want and enjoy sex just as much, if not more, than their male counterparts. For centuries, however, this idea was an unspoken taboo. Your friends sound like they’ve reached a higher level of sexual freedom. But talk is cheap and we don’t know exactly what’s going on in their heads after the guy doesn’t spend the night or they are completing the Walk of Shame. I’ve had dozens of female clients say similar things related to one-night stands, but reveal that they would love to have that layer of emotion and vulnerability. That juggling cocks and one-time flings fall just outside the true sweet spot of satisfaction. Maybe your friends are the exception. That’s not to say that many women don’t enjoy being sexually free or being the predators, but I think majority of women ultimately want greater psychological fulfillment, usually at an earlier age than their male partners.
In terms of the old narrative you speak of, tradition dies hard. Like me, you must have male friends who can’t say enough about how their new girlfriend is a veritable Jenna Jameson in the bedroom: uninhibited, crazy, will do anything and everything. But once they fall in love and feel that vulnerability all talk is off. She’s now portrayed as coy and a perfect lady. Could it be men don’t want that narrative to die off?
PL: Very silly men. I’m not going to forget that story about the drawer of Ben Wah balls and double-headed dildos you found in her place just because the two of you got engaged.
By the way, is it the catch or the thrill of the chase? I’m a catch person myself, but I guess I can see both sides of that coin. Flirting’s fine, but getting straight to the business of things – where all the cards are on the table and everybody’s vulnerable – always seemed more thrilling. Is there a clinical name for that disposition?
Dr. Rob: Like Jacques acutely points out in the Simpsons, “better than the deed, better than the memory…the moment of anticipation.” For most it’s the thrill of the chase. As I’ve mentioned we have a built-in work ethic and tend to seek out what we have to work for. There are exceptions of course and some are disposed to getting to the business without having to do much. Didn’t a critic recently call you a Narcissist? Maybe that’s the name of that disposition!
PL: Narcissist? I stopped masturbating in the mirror years ago!
To be continued…

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