Just in time for the holidays, Dr. Rob and I round out our series on the “Trifecta of American Hangups,” sex, drugs and death.
Part III: Death
PL: Most people think we’re obsessed with death as entertainment based on the violence and gore we feast on in our movies and television programs, and our apparent appetite for global Manifest Destiny. I don’t think so. I think the American hang-up with death is our refusal to acknowledge it. We race like rats and consume as though toil and collection of material are the only markers in life. To say one’s more interested in experiences and maximizing the number of interesting stories he can amass than buying the biggest home, car and stuffing his 401k to make sure he can live well in the decade before he dies is perceived as strange. I think there’s a willful ignorance at work here. I don’t know exactly the forces at work causing it, but we’re conditioning ourselves with excess to avoid consideration of our finite circumstances. We don’t want to think about death because death forces us to ask whether we’re maximizing the moment, and the answer to that question for almost all of us is “no.” But I don’t think this is sheer delusion. I think on some level we realize that, in order to keep the stores open and the streets clean and lights on, we have to push the reality of our fleeting situations from our minds. Our abstraction of death is the biggest of those white lies that keep the world spinning, keep the systems we accept rolling along.
Dr. Rob: I couldn’t agree more with you. As I had mentioned when people are diagnosed with a terminal illness their first reaction is often one of denial. “The test must be wrong” or “I need a second opinion,” or even “I don’t care what you say, I will beat this.” This isn’t always a bad thing; just look at Lance Armstrong. The human psyche needs to go through a process to come to grips with mortality. Strangely, fear of dying is at its lowest in old age, which to me suggests at least in part the loss of denial can be a lengthy process.
We need that white lie you mention and distraction can be an extremely useful temporary tool to get things done. But it’s overused in our society. Adults focus on their jobs, money and material goods. Some theorists go beyond that to say we have children simply to cheat death, that a small version of ourselves is a way to live past our time-limited flesh. Other say that religion is just a delusion to help people cope with the finality of death. I think both of these takes have merit for certain people.
Thoughts of death and embracing life don’t need to be mutually exclusive. The happiest people I know are the most mindful. Whether they are thinking about death, money, sex and everything else people cogitate about, these people are maximizing the moment as much as possible.
PL: Why do we have to let things get so far before we come to grips with it? I understand the need for abstraction, and that when a person’s young he feels immortal, but it’s not like we don’t have enough clocks, or wristwatches around us, or read enough obituaries, or stories about disasters or accidents to be reminded how fragile we are. Why are so many of us only spurred to live after facing grave illness? Why don’t we consider death frankly while we’re young, when we have the greatest capacity for spirited living? Other than distance from mortality, is there a psychological reason this tends to occur in old age or facing serious health issues rather than youth?
Dr. Rob: We understand death at an intellectual level, but this is where Freud made his coin. Our defense mechanisms are incredibly strong, probably more than they should be. We can superficially acknowledge that we’re going to die, relatively soon in fact, but the psyche is designed to ensure that we don’t experience much anxiety from this idea. That’s why true psychoanalysis takes so Goddamn long to work: breaking down those defenses is a constant effort of understanding and integrating potentially painful ideas into our personality.
I don’t know if I agree that youth carries the greatest capacity for spirited living. If an older person takes care of himself, he generally has more practical resources and, more importantly, much more wisdom than his younger counterpart. I talked about the decrease in neuroticism and psychological disorders as one gets older. This greater understanding of life and the world plays a major factor in the elderly’s ability to put things into perspective and live more fully. While this phenomenon may not apply to those who are extremely old, enfeebled or without social support, I think the elderly have a lot more going for them than society would like us to believe.
PL: I have different take on religion’s relation to death. By creating an afterlife and this concept of judgment in it, I think religion fills an enforcement vacuum for people who need it. I remember reading a quote from a philosopher something to the effect of, “Without religion, man would see no reason to do anything but what pleased him.” That’s terribly paraphrased, I’m sure, but you get the point. Sans fear of Hell, some folks are going to behave like serious assholes. I disagree, of course, believing that secular people can be and often are far more ethical in their behaviors than the religious, who often seem more fixated on the badges of visible, outward compliance and judging others than they do with actually following the letter of the scripture (Exhibit A: The Bible Belt).
Still, I understand the good of organized religion from a preserving society standpoint. When viewed from that angle, however (and I think a lot of people view religion in that pragmatic fashion) one is acknowledging it’s a mere device, or delusion – another well-meaning fabrication. I think in modern society, most people feel this way. The myths that kept us believing in the divinity of the thing in the past are crumbling as technology and science progress. In the drafts behinds those advances, we’re left with masses of people trying to find a meaning in the world and coming more and more to the recognition it’s beyond us, and the events controlling our lives far more random than we’re wired or conditioned to easily admit.
We seem to want to believe, as that Gomez tunes goes, “everything that’s gone on happened for a reason.” And everything that’s coming follows a pattern, path, or guiding benevolent hand. In the past, religion gave us that – an end-run around death, or at least a comfortable explanation of it. That’s gone now, and the only thing we have left is to avoid consideration of our mortality altogether. Do you think it’s possible our collective mania, the ruthless schedules we follow, the obsession with multi-tasking ourselves away from every loose moment of our days – the minutes where we might consider what we’re doing, where we’re going – is an anxious escapism filling in the blank where faith used to be? Is our maddening lifestyle a subconscious attempt to make it impossible for us to even consider the bigger picture? A substitute coping mechanism where the certainties of religion used to placate us?
Dr. Rob: I’m completely with you on secular people often being more ethical than their pious counterparts. During my brief stint in Bible Study the facilitator commented on “Up Religion” versus “Down Religion.” He said that far too many religions promulgate that we should do positive things to curry God’s favor, to get into heaven (“Up Religion”). In contrast, his take was that we should have a viewpoint of doing positive things simply because of God’s love (“Down Religion”).
As an Agnostic I ultimately had to decide if there was or should be a connection between my positive actions and God’s love. Ultimately I lean toward atheism but I don’t like it. I’d like to be wrong because it does generate an anxiety in me and I will often engage in distraction to not address it head-on. As you suggest, I think many are like this. Having kids, making money, using substances, building up accomplishments can all be a way to simply never address the big picture. I don’t necessarily see this as an outgrowth of increasing atheism but it definitely removes an angst.
PL: I’m not an atheist, but I can tell you this: There’d better not be an afterlife. I’m not spending eternity explaining riding mowers and chewing gum to every 12th Century serf bending my ear in the cafeteria. And you know it’d never end, all the goddamn questions… What else would they ask, and what would I offer? Explain for the poor knaves our every fantastic advance? Microwave souffle? Heated six car garages? Granite toilet seats and prep courses for kindergarten entrance exams? The unbearable lightness of driving a “gold package” German SUV? “In the future, my friend, we had glorious, glowing developments – filled with roads named Churchill, Buckingham and Bouvier Court. Boo-vee-aay.”
No, once around this carnival is more than adequate.
“the religious, who often seem more fixated on the badges of visible, outward compliance and judging others than they do with actually following the letter of the scripture”
If you haven’t read it, AJ Jacobs has a book out about this that’s fantastic. He spends a year trying to follow the Bible literally.
After reading that, I’m glad most “religious” people don’t really know what’s in the Bible. Society would fall apart if everyone took it seriously.
PL: Thanks for the recommendation (Here’s an Amazon link for anyone interested: http://www.amazon.com/Year-Living-Biblically-Literally-Possible/dp/0743291484/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229702806&sr=1-1).
That sounds pretty funny.
By the way, a link to your review is going to be posted shortly. I’ve been a bit busy.
Well, if one is to believe the movies(Dogma), the dead people have nothing better to do than watch us do things(shower). So maybe instead of a lengthy period of questions, and then a even longer period of asking questions, you would simply be bored out of your mind until…I don’t really know, the second coming or whatever?
PL: All sex is porn, but grandma’s watching?
“We race like rats… we accept rolling along”
I’ve read your blog for close to a year now and had you book pre-ordered the moment it was available. I can only wish I had the ability to collect my thoughts together in the way you write them down. This is by far my favorite piece you have put on this site.
PL: Thank you. Half of that on this one belongs to Rob. I hope you enjoyed the book as well, and thank you for buying it.
I was a law student for exactly one year. I spent the last six months of my time there obsessing over death and figuring out what was really important. This entry mirrors what went through my head to a T, except laid down more lucidly-with all the bullshit cut out. Supoib.
PL: Thanks. And you’re not alone. Everybody thinks this stuff but people rarely discuss it in American culture without adding piles of treacly spiritual or New Age horse shit on top.
Life is a lot like the cover of Bizarre Ride II The Pharcyde. All we can do is acknowledge that there’s fuck all we can do…if that makes any sense. Relish the twists, because at some point, spare Model-T bolts and the prayers of a WWF-attired gypsy won’t be enough to hold the track together.
I guess what I’m really saying is it’s tough to ‘maximize life’ all the time like you suggest, but the least we can do is stop wallowing in self-pity and start throwing our arms into the wind. WOOOOO.
PL: If you’re happy throwing your arms in the wind like that, I’d say your maximizing it.
Farewell Dock… Soul brother #17 should be missed a lot more than he will be missed. PIZZA! PIZZA!
PL: The Mozart of beanballery. The man made it an art.
On that other thing he did, well, those who understand will always grin and think, “No. No fucking way.”
But then you have to think… “Nobody would ever make that up.” It’s got to be true.
I’ll leave you to add those HST lines about why we need strange heros. You’ve got them memorized by now, no doubt.
You know, after reading your stuff for so long, it’s hard to play along with you dancing around the issue when I already know exactly what you’re thinking…
“Uh, well, they might not enjoy the sex/enemas/lofty thoughts of mortality… on face. I guess that’s a very fine line there [depending on what drug is currently affecting my synapses].”
I finally read the thing, and it was pretty fucking satisfying to see it all come together. The “stream of consciousness” aspect felt like a night out with bourbon. The familiarity of the first few chapters were like that first sip of a double, eliciting a dopamine rush–followed by a bunch of shots that grabbed you by the balls and wouldn’t let go until you were met with this heightened “philosophical” feeling; where the hardest questions are met with the simplest of answers.
I remember you mentioning on the RMMB that you had to cut a lot things out, including the Lisa chapter (which I also felt was lacking) and an alternate ending. Any chance you could shoot me an e-mail with these parts attached?
PL: Actually, I never know what they might enjoy. I just try to write as inoffensively as I can to the myriad views one can legitimately have on these issues while simultaneously asking questions that bother people. That is a fine line, and my views shift, as you say. I hew to one or two baselines, but there aren’t any dead right or wrong answers as it can all be so wildly subjective.
I put most of the cuts up on the website in the nuggets piece. but now that you’ve reminded me, I’ll post the cuts from the end of the book in the next week or two. There’s some stuff the editor found too graphically comical (detracted from the arc) and one piece that was removed due to other concerns.
I understand your issue with religion, but consider taking some time to reconsider what science actually does and does not tell us, particularly in light of quantum physics. I would say scientific materialism has reached its apex and the pendulum may not be swinging back towards religion but it is swinging away from pure materialism.
The simple question is did some form of consiousness create matter or did matter create consciousness. The pure science/materialistic view is that consciousness is an abberation or disease of matter. I think this is every bit as ridiculous as most any premise you will find in the bible.
With all of that said, your introductory paragraph was spot on and a friendly reminder that no one has ever made it out of life alive could help us live more and stress less.
PL: I don’t know about that pendulum swing in science, but I would agree with you that in regard to general behaviors and thinking, American society has little regard for empirical data. We live in narratives of what we think the world is like. And I’m not talking some simple ‘perception is reality” scenario. We’ve quite Gladwellian in our certainties, assured our “blink” analyses are the best – that no eye can be as wise as the one informed by our exceptional experiences.
I don’t know where matter created intelligence or vice versa. I’m not an atheist because I can’t prove which came first. What I can assume, however, based on examination of its history and tenets, is that organized religion is merely a social frameworking device, an informal, or “soft” government of sorts. One need not engage with organized religion of any kind to connect with a higher power.
The quotations were actually a play on that line of yours from the pundit interview in the book. The ‘two baselines’ bit got me thinking, though… from what I’ve read it seems like you’re focusing on the id (knee jerk impulses) and the superego (doing the Right Thing apropos to learned social standards) and how inherently illogical they are. It definitely starts turning the gears in my head… maybe more than I’d like.
‘graphically comical’ and ‘[should be] removed due to other concerns [for general decency]‘ are probably what I’d use to describe your writing in general… haha. Looking forward to reading those cuts.
–and I’m taking a shot in the dark here, but would Rosie Palmer happen to be ‘Alex’?
PL: I should have gone with the anal story there. The ‘What if?’ of that will haunt me.
On the Rosie thing, I can’t answer for Alex, but I’m sure he will. What I can say is, your instincts aren’t failing you in the assessment.
Ask Marcia, I’m a lady, a sexy sexy lady… PIZZA! PIZZA!
PL: Regarding men in dresses:
“Jesus that fuckin’ burns.” I wiped the residue of the brown powder from the space between my index finger and thumb.
“Gimme a hit.” My buddy Mason followed suit. Same results.
“Wait a minute. It’ll kick in. You get a little lightheaded first.” Alex laughed.
“What made you think to get this?” I asked him, my eyes tearing.
“I don’t know. Nostalgia. I used to love the stuff.”
“Eh, ehhh…” Mason was holding back a sneeze.
“Hold it. Don’t waste it.” Alex snapped.
A goofy girl with a mop of Leif Garrett hair broke from a clutch of friends and tapped Mason on the shoulder. “What is that? Is it anything good?” She spoke softly, almost under her breath.
“Yes, it’s the brown cocaine.” Alex whispered back.
“Very rare. Chilean.” I nodded. She swung her head and started walking away.
“Nice dress.” Mason wheezed.
“Indeed it is.” He added emphatically. “It’s a work dress,” Alex pulled the flowered white smock up, exposing a pair of tan construction boots. “I wouldn’t waste a good gown on a party like this.”
I always wondered whether everything we do is to survive; why we fear death and resist it when it’s knocking, why we strive to consume, make as much money as possible to consume, and ultimately live comfortably. Since sex is at its primal foundation a biological means of reproduction, there is probably a lot of truth to the idea of wanting to have kids so we could live through them, of guiding our seed. All inall, i enjoyed reading this, and all of your material. Please, keep them coming,