Comments on: Dorm Moles (Nuggets, Vol. XIII)

By: Future Phila Lawyer

Future Phila Lawyer — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:50:29 +0000

Phila Lawyer,
As a college student working perhaps one of the most abhorant socially vile jobs besides the legal profession – I interupt your fragile family dinners with incessant requests for your precious time to take surveys all night long – what is your view on those like me actualy salivating at the chance to become a lawyer as a means to project the frustration some like me already harbor toward an apathetic and ditestable society of self loathing conformists out there? In other words what of those who enjoy misery enough to make it their career goal?
Thanks for mind.
PL: I went into law obscenely confident and charismatic person and came out of the litigation game absurdly cynical, and sadly, rightly so. I knew the field was chock full of shitheads and defects early on but figured it would get better, and in fairness, it does. Practice has a way of weeding out the paper tigers of law school, which makes it easier to find the normal fellow professionals to consort with quasi-socially when you’re working. Unfortunately, however, it still retains an immense number of assholes – mostly pathetic dudes with egos quite unsuited for their aesthetic and social failings. And those dickheads seem to get in the way of every easy settlement and annoy the fuck out of you and every other decent person just trying to suck cash out of the field.
See, litigation’s a dump for lots of people with something to prove, and little notable talent. Any ass can learn to stroke a case from start to finish and make a few bucks. Even the high level stuff the fancy shits handle is cookie cutter. I’ve litigated injury cases and cases involving derivatives. It’s all the same shit after a while because once you’ve done it enough, you learn to only focus on the surface shit, and realize most of the game is bluffing, putting on shows for clients and learning to write in a direct, economic fashion. A fucking monkey could litigate the average case. Sounds great for a cynic like you, right?
It isn’t. If the field can turn a clueless frat clown like me into a distrustful, nasty shit (I was a miserable prick at times to my wife, my family and every one around me), it’ll turn a person with the leanings you claim into something really dark. It’s a rotten profession with a flagging future. Stay away from it like the plague. And as to disliking society, my advice there is learn to manipulate the system. Bleeding it while quietly laughing at it and paying it the absolute minimal respect it deserves is as nice a form of revenge as any other anyone’s ever known. I’ll never understand why people see me as a playa hater. Writing a book making fun of the profession is but one more way to use a law degree. As Slick Rick wisely noted, “Treat [it] like a prostitute…” An industry acting as a parasite in society’s bowels deserves not better treatment.
But I had to do that, as I’d already spent a decade in that cesspool city, dicking around in that ridiculous industry. You don’t have to get in the legal gutter, so my advice is Stay Away. Nothing to be gained there.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:37:40 +0000

Last night was one of the oddest nights of my life. For context, I relate and have lived similar days that are the subject of quite a few of your stories.
I went to our Public Interest Law (not a member)charity auctions. The intermingling of poorly dressed women and guys that I can only describe as total meatballs staggered me. In all fairness the women were ok, and their clothes were ok, just not in the combinations that they were put together. I suppose I went to school with some of these people but ignored them while my group got blasted at these events, went to strip clubs and worked on getting some of the girls to get up there and “try out because they are hotter than the strippers and it can’tbe that hard to do those moves”.
At the time I was in school if I would have noticed these losers I would have known what to expect once I passed the bar and entered the rank and file.
As far as the too dumb for medical school and too ugly for sales, I was smart enough for med school but too lazy, I did well in sales but too bored to do it long term.
I don’t have a problem encouraging people to go to lawschool, but they have to know that they might end up with a crap job or no job after graduating. I then tell them to find an opportunity and the right moment to exploit it and they will be fine. Law is a pay check for me, nothing more, nothing less.
One observation of mine that I would be interested in your comment on is: All the males that I meet that are current law students and some that are lawyers, seem like they have been neutered or that they have stripped away all of their personality, thrown on a suit that they can’t stand to wear and then dance like a monkey with the hope that they never offend anyone or piss anyone off. All of the guys we interview come off as useless drones spewing some crap that career disservices has fed them while desperately hoping that someone will give them a job. I am mostly myself in interviews. My buddy told me “Jeff, people either love to hate you or hate to love you.”
I know, my spelling sucks.
PL: The profession attracts a lot of people without personality and does a fine job of filing down the personalities of the people in it.
But if you keep looking it at as nothing but a paycheck, you can survive.

By: NSG

NSG — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 15:04:30 +0000

Not to be an asshole, but aren’t subjects like english, econ, international relations and business the kinds of things pre-law people would major in? I’m in college currently and the gung-ho law school types are always talking about setting themselves up for a law school specialty: i.e. majoring in international relations so they can get into a school thats known for international law.
PL: Subsumed in the point is the understanding that wherever these people are, you probably wouldn’t notice them.

By: Chris

Chris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 00:01:42 +0000

I can’t add much to this except to say that a good friend described his recent law school crowd in the exact same terms, I did ‘apprentice’ at a law firm (decided that it was a bad move) AND I’ve delivered pizzas to the adult versions of the dorm-moles. Ah, the tax-free & single days.
And don’t worry.. my friend is only in law school because he had some trust fund cash to burn through and a law degree will help to further his focus as a family consigliere for the wealthy. Yes, he already does this full-time.
PL: I don’t worry about anyone going to law school. My aim is to entertain and in the context of it give people some hints on what they might be getting into. What they do is their business. But I’m glad to hear your friend is set up nicely. Good place to be in this market.
Though I do have to wonder, weren’t there a lot more entertaining grad schools for a person with a trust fund? I’d have gone to film school or something interesting.

By: Michael

Michael — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:07:53 +0000

While you advise to “shoplift” your book, I think my plan may be more legal. I asked my local library for the book, and since they did not have it, they went out and bought it for me to read. I had the taxpayers pick up the bill for me … The book was really good and I have recommended it to many people. It is the reason that I am a fan.
PL: Now that… That is better than shoplifting. Stick it on the Stimulus tab.
It’s this kind of thinking that will get us out of this economy.
Perfect. And thank you for the press. Glad you enjoyed it.

By: Garibaldi

Garibaldi — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:36:41 +0000

Oh good, that was pretty much the answer I was hoping for.
PL: Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great writer. I just think he more commercially interested than he ought to be. “Rich kids gone wrong” stories like Less than Zero are aimed at a lowest common denominator audience – the wretches who want to live vicariously through what they think is a grand romantic failure.

By: Jais

Jais — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:23:45 +0000

“Too dumb for medicine, too mean and ugly for sales”
Sounds Thompson-esque. I still haven’t picked up the book. Forgive me.
“Was I sniffing fucking solvents?”
That line is..familiar, but thanks for the post, really picked up the tempo of this so far mind-numbing week (except for the Watchmen, it was truly kick ass.)
PL: Shoplift it. It’s overpriced.

By: Michael

Michael — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 11:32:23 +0000

I know the type very well. There was one working for the law firm I worked at. He was a college senior and had been there for one week as a gopher/intern. He got the job as a favor to one of the junior associates. I guess someone may have eaten the food he put in the refrigerator, because the kid had the audacity to write a nasty firm wide email to everyone, including the partners. The email demanded that the next time someone ate food out of the fridge, they better make sure they had their name on it. I mean, who did this kid think he was??
PL: “Wind Up Dolls” – Little brats created by overinvolved parents. They know nothing but how to push for what they want. Zero social skills.

By: Chris

Chris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 11:28:55 +0000

Another great entry PL. I was wondering if you ever thought of doing a short entry on staying sane and normal during law school? I think the secret is to buckle down only when necessary (which is about 2 weeks before exams) and not surround yourself with people who are gunners or super concerned with the social aspects of it all. I would hate this experience a lot more than I already do if I hadn’t found the friends I have now.
PL: You just took that entry away from me. Anything I’d add to what you said is in the piece titled “A Slacker’s Guide to Law School.”

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 09:08:49 +0000

Once again, you make me feel better about going to a third tier law school. Although I’m totally politically and ideologically isolated, at least most of my classmates had lives before they went to law school.
Have you thought about doing a short piece on the “law school body?” Or, more broadly stated “what three years of a high stress, sedentary lifestyle, combines with fast food, cigarettes, more coffee than is safe to consume in a lifetime, and the occasional happy hour in lieu of dinner, will do to a 23-26 year old’s body.” They should do pics of law students every six months like they do with mugshots of meth whores.
The first thing I did when I got to law school was get a gym membership. After working in a firm and seeing the kind of people that go into law, I knew a lot of lawyers romanticize destroying their bodies and being supremely unhealthy. Just saying, it could be made funny.
PL: The best comment on the aesthetics of lawyers is to let the pictures do the talking. There’s a reason these people had to get licenses to get jobs. What’s the line I used in the book? “Too dumb for medicine, too mean and ugly for sales”? I’ll stick with that.