“Scratch any cynic and you’ll find a disappointed idealist.” Carlin nailed that one on the head. But he should have taken it further. Scratch the pious and you’ll find a deviant. Scratch the flirty and you’ll find a lousy lay. The teetotaler and you’ll find a closeted solvent sniffer, the liberal and you’ll find a tax cheat… The list goes on forever, but it all comes down to this point: The Surface is just the surface, and no, it’s not Reality.
We’ve all got a closet full of masks, and nothing reminds you of that like sitting in a stodgy club – one of those musty, Republican joints… a place Alex P. Keaton would have loved, or you could imagine Tucker Carlson holding court – admiring The Polite around you and wondering as you sip your whiskey, “Are these people thinking what I’m thinking? …What they all might look like naked? How the couplings might shake out if the place were to erupt in an orgy like something out of Eyes Wide Shut?”
The blue haired geriatric woman with the moustache would probably go for the guy in the bow tie – the one with the Mormon haircut. But he’s deeply closeted. He’d try for the maitre’d. The cougar in the corner’d want the server – the skinny foreign kid. And she’d want everyone to watch. The jowly couple just off the kitchen? They’d go at each other on the table. And the only question there is what condiments they’d add into the act. He’s obviously a cocktail sauce guy, but from the way she’s lathering those rolls, if there’s one thing that’s abundantly clear, the woman is all about the butter.* Perhaps they’ll meet in the middle… use that gravy boat of blue cheese dressing?
It’s enough to tease a weak gag reflex.
You’d like to think to think the whole room’s thinking that. And maybe the sick bastards are. Running lurid movies in their heads, all equally bored to tears. But they’d never admit it. And neither will you. You’ll just sit there and smile and drink – another brushed-cut, buttoned-down Average Well-Mannered Male. “Fresh pepper for iceberg salad?” “Yes, thank you.”
But beware of the physics in these places. Every action spurs a reaction, and the stiffer the setting you’re in, the more stiff drinks you’ll down. This slice of Happy Hour Is for Amateurs is about an evening at one of the dustier, white-bread dinner clubs in Philadelphia – the start of a brutal bender that eventually lead to one my greater professional embarrassments:
Lit Up in Stiff City
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* Insert your own Last Tango in Paris joke here.
What you just posted to introduce that excerpt strongly reminds me of the scene in Fear and Loathing while Thompson hallucinates the bar is full of reptiles. Begs the question of “what if” he had been stuck in upper class Philadelphia as a lawyer….
Speaking of him, have you read the Rum Diary? That and HHIFA were the two books I brought with me to the carribean this winter for a one month vacation working as a bartender. The two complimented each other very well.
PL: All energy streams from the masters. Thank you. That’s the highest of compliments.
The Rum Diary’s excellent, but not my favorite. Oddly, though Gonzo includes elements of imagination, I feel like Thompson could never flesh out a direction for the thing. Where F&L and Hell’s Angels came alive because he warped what was going on and cherry picked it’s most tawdry angles for display, the Rum Diary reads more like a straight memoir. Read The Curse of Lono. It’s a much later book set in a similar locale that has a similar feel. Nice bookend to the Rum Diary.
All these excerpts are raising my buying temperature, that’s for sure =) The only downside is I’m getting used to my daily dose of phila-insight, and I dont want to be left jonesin for another hit.
Loving the random facts (hollandaise vs béarnaise) – its funny how that saying something like that off-hand is able to fudge a new acquaintances perception of you to the point where they buy you drinks and invite you for golf. If only golf had some kind of attraction to me beyond riding around in buggies..
PL: Raising your buying temperature? The book’s $10. I don’t think entertainment gets much cheaper. Well, perhaps masturbation…
But that’s a pretty unfair comparison.
You’re rather good at this writing business, old chap. My hardcover is arriving tomorrow; many thanks for the quality of your work.
PL: I had to have some talent, right? Couldn’t do much else… Hope you enjoy it.
These snippets are killing me. Which, I suppose, is exactly the point.
PL: You’ve been reading this long and haven’t even picked up a used copy?
So I decided to go to school and not join the slobbering classes in low level work while moonlighting as a musician at night. I’m finding plenty of opportunities in this college town, and I’m even thinking of joining a frat eventually. Thats where all the girls and good drugs are, right?
The problem is, I’ve been harassing them since I got here. Every Thursday and Friday I make my rounds,in a German army jacket that says “JUNGLIST” and has a picture of Ian Brown. Last night I walked by a frat house (that looked like an authentic 16th century English manor) and noticed some activity inside, with a guy in a blazer and loafers standing outside.
I said ‘Cheers mate”, (I was doing an impression of an Ecstasy damaged English nutter type, think Shaun Ryder)and asked him where the party was at. He swirled his glass of pinot grigio (presumably) and corrected me: “Its not a party, its a commitee meeting, for my FRAT”.
I then proceeded to blow a hit of the chronic in the boy’s face and called him a pissy little nancy boy, and I might have said something about Babylon burning soon (I was drinking). Do you think they’ll hold this against me eventually? I’m definitely an idealist but I have no problem adapting to a state of nature where the rule is dog eat dog. If I can use the connections that elite kids get here, I’m gonna use em.
PL: Nice… In whatever demented locale you were in, you should have slapped that Bret Marmalard in his shiny white teeth. On principle alone.
“Wine? It was for your own good.”
The only wine you drink in college is Mad Dog. Or, if you’re female, Boon’s Farm.
I love the props you give to George Carlin. Just reading the first line of this post made me have to watch his Mark Twain Award ceremony again on Youtube. The book is in the mail, can’t wait to read it…. these teases are killing me. Thanks for reading.
PL: Thank you for reading, and buying a copy.
Carlin’s the most astute and most critically accurate philosopher of the last forty years. We let voices like his disappear to our great detriment. I’ll always do my best to keep his name in the lexicon. There is no entertainer alive or dead I feel a greater admiration for.
Do you have anything in the works for a radio show or webcasts? The content is great and you seem to be a constant producer of the intricate observations regarding the current landscape, but do you want to be in a situation where you have to put out new material daily? Also, you enjoy a certain level of anonymity and is that something you are willing to sacrifice if you have to be outed?
I have had the book since it came out, but I figure if Tucker Max can get a movie made, there is a market out there for more than PL twitter posts. While observing the reshaping of the current socio-economic landscape and wondering what affects mine and following generations, I think there is a benefit to seeing the observations through the lens of a relatable individual rather than watching specialists fight from an interest/issue based perspective. The closest I have seen to someone normal is Dylan Ratigan, and I don’t even know what time his show is on. The belief that there is a market need for the cynical unemotional diplomat who advocates personal personality is making me grin as I type this, but I also thought the concept of “tweeting” was ridiculous and I would like to be wrong twice.
PL: A lot things will obviously be changing in the coming months, as Rudius is closing down its hosting platform. I’d love to do a radio platform. Don’t know how that could work, but I’ve been tinkering with it for some time and w/a new platform, now might be the time.
I consume so much media that running out of material to riff on would be near impossible. The problem would be developing a large enough audience to monetize the thing. I am not part of a tribe. I’d wind up alienating the Left and Right, feminists and “bros,” etc. People seem to want reinforcement, and I’ve zero interest in that. Skepticism’s much more interesting.
Dylan Ratigan’s a great financial commentator. He was great hosting that round table show. Much better than Kramer.
As to movie stuff, we sold an option for TV and film rights once, got them back and hopefully will do it again. Can a movie or show be done from what’s in that book? Got me. That’s for the Hollywood people to decide.
Hats off to you for keeping such a true genius in our lexicon. I hope that in late November, you will write a review of his memoirs after they come out. Have a good day, sir.
PL: Holy shit. I didn’t know he had memoirs coming out. Thanks. I’m absolutely buying that.
I always figured Carlin was too much of a cynic to write a memoir – that he’d find the “arcing” necessary to convert and internally contradictory and inscrutable life into a digestible, linear story would turn him off.
Refreshing as always. We miss you over at http://www.theidiotboard.com. Any news on what will happen after Rudius goes down? I assume you’ll get new hosting.
PL: You assume correctly. I’ll have more details soon, but considering the avalanche of business shit I have going on and the new wrinkle of moving the site, I’m a bit under the water.
But thanks. The feeling’s mutual. Without the support I had of people on the board who dug my stuff, I’d have never seen a paperback release. When I’m up and running, I’ll put up a post on the new board giving you the specifics.
Thanks for the reply. Big ups for the Carlin love, I might not have checked out all his later stuff if it wasn’t for you.
Yes, frat boys are a pet peeve of mine but I’ve met some that aren’t that bad. Usually the really cynical ones.
PL: Too true. If you take the “frat” seriously, you need serious help.
Happy to be the one who told you about Mr. Carlin’s memoirs. For those curious, check out
http://georgecarlin.com/home/home.html
What kills me is that Rudius is going down. I just spent 6 months writing a portfolio for the site, and now I’m screwed. Fuck. Oh well, shit happens. At least I have a friend coming back from the Pearl Jam concert in Philly with a bottle of Bluecoat for me. Have a good day, sir.
PL: Let me know how you like the Bluecoat. I’ve shifted back to Bombay Sapphire myself, but the Coat’s great shit.
Re: Rudius, it’s a fucking serious headache for me right now as well. But that’s life. It was a good run.
As a fratboy myself I understand that completely. YOu need that delusional 10% with daddy issues or who are still in that imaginationland phase because they’re the go-getters who keep the place running. Without them, it’d just be a bunch of idiots running around breaking shit on drinking binges. In fact, thank god for them. It’s not until after rush/pledge that you realize you haven’t even met all the cool kids- cause they’ve been too busy having fun to bother with the facade.
I’m positive ours has rocketed past event horizon, not due to apathy as most would assume, but mind-numbing incompetence. I feel alot better knowing that you guys ran yours into the ground too, PL.
PL: “The edge…there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” – HST
That’s a great quote – from “Hell’s Angels.” Send your house out with a bang. It’s one of the few times you can drive the train straight off the cliff and nobody gets hurt. Everyone should experience a complete organizational collapse early in life. Might remind them what one looks like in gestation, so they don’t repeat it later, when it counts. See: Lehman Bros.