When I first joined Twitter, I made fun of it. Called it what it seemed to be – a mindless, narcissistic indulgence for the ADD-addled set:
I’ve joined, and you can find me at “Phila_Lawyer” (I wasn’t about to pay a Zimbabwean squatter $500,000,000,000.00 for “Philalawyer”). And I’m probably going to write a bunch of stuff for as long as the site remains hot, as long as people stay interested in hearing what other people are doing sitting in traffic (through May, possibly June).
But I’m not just going to write about masturbating. I’m going to write what I happen to think, whatever grabs me in the moment. Because you and I both know, this is important shit. These are turbulent times, and if you don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know what you’re doing, we might not know if what we’re doing is something worth doing anymore. If there isn’t something better we ought to be doing, or a different, faster place where we could learn more about what other people are doing more effectively and quickly… The race is to instant knowledge, and email just won’t do. What good is it for me to know my buddy Bob was “Taking a dump” once it’s already over? I’ve missed the show, the drama. I’ll never know that connection – that deep, enduring link… That I was standing on the train platform, just reading a Blackberry and yet inextricably, I was also in Kentucky, in Bob’s office restroom, staring at the tile on the floor and sharing the instant of release.
-Because You Need to Know, Immediately! (If Not Sooner)
None of that opinion’s changed. It’s still filled with inane people writing inane things, masturbating their egos under the ridiculous delusion someone cares what flavor ice cream they’re shoveling in their children’s pie holes, that they’re on a charity walk for research into nearsightedness or that they just bought five hundred thread count bedsheets. But it’s also spawned a stand-up culture of amateur comedians, pundits and philosophers using the site as a platform for jokes, barbs and rhetoric. Of course, that’s my approach. The only problem is, Twitter’s impossible to read. The more you post new material, the deeper the old stuff is buried. I don’t think it should be lost. Some of the lines are gems (or so I’ve been told). So here it is in linear form, the best of Philalawyer on Twitter, in reverse chronological order, from today running backward to February:
• When you meet a middle class liberal who’s met a payroll or filed a corporate tax return, steal his unicorn.
• “It’s a rosary. But it’s also ben-wa balls.” (Product descriptions you’ll never hear on the Home Shopping Network)
• “NASA. Of course we crash a few on purpose. Otherwise no one would have paid attention since 1983.”
• Acid and skeet shooting. TGIF!
• Levi Johnston to pose in Playgirl for $25,000.00. Way to go selecting Vice Presidential families, John McCain.
• Buck up, Kate Gosselin. You may have blown all the money, but the damage to our national dignity caused by your show’s success is forever.
• I like Obama, but his Nobel Prize might be the second most undeserved award in history. Crash winning a Best Picture Oscar remains first.
• The Clash = Prep school punk. The Pistols = Serious nihilist punk. The Ramones = Overrated punk.
• In a perfect world, John Ensign would impregnate Nancy Pelosi. And everyone would die in childbirth.
• Social Conservative (n.) – Oxymoron. Ex: “John said he wanted tiny govt, but then sought laws telling everyone who and how they could fuck.”
• Missionary (n.) – One who lamentably chose to study the Bible during etiquette class.
• “Socialized healthcare will cause a cutback in Medicare benefits!” The GOP sees the irony in this argument, doesn’t it?
• Legalized Marijuana (n.) – Superficial recognition of what’s been accepted de facto in sensible society for over three decades.
• Lies of fabrication = Fraudulent, sanctionable. Lies of omission and mischaracterization = A $250 per hour service. #advocacy
• Health Care Reform (n.) – The status quo repackaged confusingly enough to allow both sides to claim victory. #meetthenewbosssameastheoldboss
• Assumption of Risk (n.) – Concept that a person was responsible for and should suffer consequences of his decisions. See also: Dodo Bird.
• Overdraft fees are a sleazy profit center for banks, but there is an easy solution: Don’t spend more than you have.
• When you need a motorized scooter not because of illness, but simply due to obesity via overeating, it’s time to get a fucking grip
• Beta Male (n.) – A term used by beta males to ironically describe one another.
• Alpha Male (n.) – A term used exclusively by beta males.
• People must be paid for what they produce. The belief content should be all or mostly free is silly, and it will end.
• If there’s a more vacant, unworthy media darling than Rachel Maddow, I’ve yet to see it. Olbermann proxy, with breasts.
• Subprime Borrower (n.) – One who can engage in all elements of the protracted borrowing and buying process except reading the mortgage note.
• The Angel Moroni, Thetans and Aunt Jemima. Which of these is not like the others? #trickquestions
• In a perfect world, ACORN and its shrillest right wing detractors would take up arms against each other. And both win.
• Escalade (n.) – A truck marketed to those who’d prefer to spend $75,000 for a $50,000 Chevy Suburban. And get Cadillac emblems on it.
• Affluenza (n.) – The belief Neiman Marcus held a cure for the myriad class anxieties, paranoias and neuroses discovered by Sigmund Freud.
• Wonk (n.) – A person who can explain every detail about a thing except how to operate it efficiently.
• Good intentions may pave the road there, but “We must do it – for the children!” lays the tracks for the bullet train to hell. #masses=asses
• “Tough on Crime” (n.) – Method by which suburban politicians galvanize the vote of constituents who’ve never experienced actual crime.
• “Zero Tolerance” (n.) – The not unexpected policy result of zero thought. See also, “Mandatory Minimum.”
• Re: Michael Moore singing on Jay Leno’s show: No man, particularly one with his resources, should have an enormous gunt. #gastricbypass
• Is Nancy Grace a celebrity for any other reason than to milk the trailer trash demographic? #welcometothenewdumb
• What kind of parent names a child “Roman?”
• I spoke to Bill Safire once, and used the term “general consensus.” He cut me off with “That’s redundant.” RIP
• Patrick Swayze’s ashes to be baked into cake, served to relatives. #TMZ
• An individual’s trumpeting of his “traditional” or “family” values is directly congruent to the size of the porn cache in his hard drive.
• Critic (n.) – The only job where failure in the subject area assessed is a prerequisite to employment.
• The drinking isn’t for me. It makes you interesting.
• Achilles’ Heel in internet promotion? No substance. Millions of neon signs, nothing, or nothing original, behind them. #vacantechochamber
• Talent is Overrated. Interesting book. The concept has merit, but in the end, would you rather be compared to the Beatles… or KISS?
• Any man flexible enough to brush his teeth with his dick would never leave home again. #ReasonsIRefusetoLearnYoga
• Brushing my teeth in the mirror, considering this clumsy, utterly pointless morning erection, one thing’s clear: Intelligent Design = fraud.
• Am I alone in thinking part of the anger of shrill right wingers accrues from frustration at their own inability to coherently communicate?
• I should give 1/10000th of a flying fuck about Kanye West upsetting Taylor Swift because? #getafuckinglife
• Dead Cat Bounce (n.) – A temporary uptick in a stock following a spectacular drop. See also: Our present alleged economic recovery.
• Daily Kos. Because every 12 cat owning 200 lb spinster or basement dwelling 40 year old virgin needs a place to let their inner Nader out.
• Underwear. The only racket bigger than engagement rings.
• The rule is no socks with loafers, exceptions where necessitated. Not the other way around.
• If you’re dumb here, are you dumb in the afterlife? Or do we all receive equivalent wisdom at the gates? #flawsinthenarrative
• To the idiot congressman who screamed “You lie” at Obama last night: Congrats on getting the technical that may be a game changer. #moron
• Slice of viewers who will understand Obama speech: 13%. Slice who will rail against or applaud it afterward: 83%. #welcometothenewdumb
• All chaps are assless.
• Defamation (n.) – The reaction of a well heeled subject when described too accurately.
• Moral Judgment (n.) – A substitute currency for those usually lacking actual currency.
• No hand job beats a dry one.
• Unless you’ve the ability to menstruate, you’ve no business getting a manicure.
• No one discusses it, but the root of a lot of what ails America is a ruthless monetization of our every endeavor, and its debasing effect.
• A great ass wears what it likes whenever it likes.
• Black pants are slimming. Which is why you should go for the girl in white ones. You know you’ll be able to bounce quarters off that ass.
• We might want to consider expanding Godwin’s Law to include “Socialist” and “Communist.” #vitriolandhyperbolearenotasubstantivearguments
• Confidential to Mel in Kansas City: No, the big shirt isn’t hiding anything. She knows you’re fat.
• Silver watch, fine. Gold watch, fine. Silver and gold watch, fail.
• It’s only a “country club” if you’re the first in your family to join one. The polite term is “golf course.”
• Why does every guy who thinks he’s “made it” buy the exact same Rolex Submariner watch? #lemmings
• To Lenny from Islip: No, unless you’re an English banker from the ’60s or selling used Buicks, a double-breasted suit is never appropriate.
• Metal-clasped Gucci loafers worn with a suit… Nothing says “taste solely in his mouth” more effectively. #styletipsfordolts
• At core, all lending is consumer lending. Huge commercial real estate exposure + persistent high unemployment = “recovery” tanking in 2010.
• He’s clearly not, so I have to ask, why does Bruce Springsteen, in both interviews and his music, seem slightly mentally challenged?
• Wear a spread or a button down, but for God’s sake, never a fucking point collar. Basically advertises, “I’m a guidance counselor.”
• Ladies: Those loose camisole tops, or anything with an “empire waist”? Not attractive. Basically translates to, “Hiding beer gut.”
• Taking on $100k in loans for law school? Google this: “Mature Industry.” It means “a future of declining margins.” Law’s one, dumbass.
• Say what you will of Kennedy (I was no fan), the man fought for his ideals. One with his advantages could have done a whole lot less. RIP
• Slightly fat ass in jogging shorts = dealable. Sweater or sweatshirt tied around ass to hide it = dealbreaker.
• Collectivism feels nice, good… downright charitable. Just remember – when everybody gets a pony, they’re all Shetlands.
• Moral Elitist = An oxymoron, yet omnipresent. Logical/Rational Elitist = An obvious asset, all but universally ignored and unheard.
• Has there ever been a revolution that *was* televised?
• Monday tip: Ativan and a Starbucks Red Eye, venti. The Corporate Slave’s Speedball.
• “Pleated Dockers khakis: Because the unibrow wasn’t keeping enough women away.”
• Nude beats draped in frilly junk. If he prefers you in lingerie, you’re saggy… or he secretly wants to wear it himself.
• Overheard nowhere, ever: “Check out all those really hot chicks picketing at the protest rally across the street.”
• “Snark: Because you’ve nothing creative to say.” “Hating Snark: Because you’re insecure about not getting the joke.”
• Number of people presently enamored with “player” culture in CEO positions in 2040? 50 Number engaged in janitorial arts? 10,974,873
• Sexist sex tip: He can spank you during sex. You shouldn’t spank him.
• Is there any efficient way to run with an erection?
• Any generation using social media as its primary word of mouth will be the last one. It’ll have less sex than Star Jones.
• I haven’t chosen agnosticism over atheism out of commitment-phobia or lack of nerve. I like the option of blaming a God.
• “Your request for a variance for construction of the planned moat has been denied. Bottomless dancing permit tabled.” #damnnapoleoniccode
• Note: Arguing you were “tucking it back” and therefore not showing genitalia not a valid defense to public indecency ticket. #liveandlearn
• “If you build it, they will come” was a movie line. “If you tax them, they’ll take $$$ & industry elsewhere” is fact. Careful, Robin Hoods.
• LOL following Sunday: @whitepower; @judasforsainthood; @yaydrunkdriving; @morecancernow; @flashingattheplayground; @nixonwasframed
• Taking Becky, Caitlin, Candace, Maris and Madalyn to soccer, violin, piano, blacksmithing and curling practice. #asifpeoplegiveafuck
• Going for pancakes & Sbux lattes, then to mall to get nu pants cuz I lost weight, then rent “He’s Just Not that Into U.” #terminalnarcissism
• Bad idea 49,865: Sex on wicker furniture.
• Health care reform = more who can’t afford care living longer. In an overpopulated nation w/an entitlement crisis, this cuts costs how?
• Always look on the bright side. We’ll be the most impeccably regulated banana republic in history.
• Twitterspeak: “I’m sooo being stalked.” Real World Translation: “I’d never attract a second glance on the street.”
• I wonder how many are entering the priesthood to avoid the job market. So all you can do is masturbate… It’s free room & board for life.
• Confidential to the old man at the gym this morning: Blow drying your pubes in the mirror while I’m trying to brush my teeth? Inappropriate.
• Sarah Palin is to Barry Goldwater as a Naugahyde bicycle seat is to an Hermes saddle.
• It’d be nice to follow the 2d part as well, but “Asking not what your country can do for you…” would be a more than admirable start.
• We’re spending tax $ for the FTC to protect consumers dumb enough to believe blog shilling? That’s Darwin’s jurisdiction.
• The “American Dream” is to be free of govt interference to win or lose playing the cards you’re dealt. Nothing more or less.
• If perjury’s a crime, and one side of a lawsuit is telling the truth in court and the other isn’t, why don’t they prosecute the losers?
• David Carradine couldn’t have just gotten a hooker? He was in fucking Thailand.
• Milton Friedman wasn’t wrong. We just can’t afford the carnage ensuing through periods of unmitigated creative destruction.
• Am I alone in thinking one of the outcomes of this credit crunch is going to be 30 or so percent of society going totally “off the grid”?
• If there’s a Heaven, the last thing it’ll include is more connectivity.
• I was in a supermarket earlier and it struck me: Who in the hell uses maxi-pads? Isn’t this technology obsolete? Like, “Betamax” obsolete?
• It’s shocking that Silvio Berlusconi wants to sleep with 19 year old women? How? In that he was previously considered gay? Dead?
• Is “Speaks like a sexually ambivalent simp” a prerequisite to get a job on NPR?
• The Mormons who pushed Prop 8 through still have to contend with this: Gay marriage will be fact. Joseph Smith will always be a fraud.
• “Negative Plateau” – They’ll start to use this to describe the recovery in about six or so months. See also: Ditch.
• Percentage of people reading Turow’s “One L” to prep for law school who ultimately matriculate to Harvard Law? .0000018
• It’s “Soy un perdedor,” not “So, I opened the door.”
• If you love yourself just the way you are, there’s a good chance you’ll be the only one doing so.
• When did “vivacious” become a synonym for “she’s fat”?
• That you’re well read doesn’t mean you’re smart. It means you’re well read.
• If you’re thinking of getting a tattoo on the small of your back, consider: Would you drive a mid ’90s Camaro? Still enjoy Limp Bizkit?
• We all fake it. The only thing holding any office worker in his job is $. We pretend otherwise because the truth depresses us.
• The seven dirty words of corporate society: “Here is what I am actually thinking…”
Vol. II Tomorrow
man… I’m not seeing the critical pivot needed to get “no hand job beats a dry one.”
PL: Since high school, there’s been no sex act more frustrating and less satisfying than a chick trying to get me off with dry hand job. I’d rather have none.
I just saw something that confused me.
I agree with you that whenever someone starts advocating something ‘for the sake of the children’ they are essentially advocating that we start sprinting down the road of good intentions. I also agree with you that we should probably do something about the massive public debt. But isn’t it true that debt reduction would primarily benefit future generations? There is obviously something that separates those who advocate a reduction in the national debt and those who want to end vaccination in order to end autism, but what is it, other than the fact that those who advocate the former have two brain cells to rub together? Is it simply that there is a very clear line between publicly advocating something as ‘for the children’ and actually advocating something that will help future generations? Or is it something else that I’m missing?
Thanks.
PL: The anti-vaccination people are not worth discussing. They’re imbeciles. As absurd and anti-science as Creationists.
My point’s simple. In any debate you’ll hear certain words that tag the speaker as an idiot. Reflexively branding things “Communist,” comparisons to “Hitler” or “Nazis,” proposing Bush invaded Iraq to avenge Saddam’s attempt to assassinate his father, alleging 9/11 might have been an inside job, etc… There are hysterical assertions that disqualify certain people’s views from serious consideration. Among these is the “slippery slope” argument, often given by well intentioned, but limited people, that a policy will have good or bad effects “on the children” in coming decades. It’s usually made with lots of emotion behind it, but not much fact backing it up, by people who spend a lot of time taking care of their children and almost no time reading up on the policy advocated.
Hell, I’d pay for a dry hand job right about now.
PL: Joke aside, why does anyone ever pay for a hand job? I’ll never understand putting out $50 to a masseuse for what one can give himself far more effectively free. Is it the satisfaction of having the chick watch? Some kind of reverse voyeuristic thrill? “Hey, how about the distance on that load… How many other guys have hit the ceiling fan?”
It’s the rare woman who can give anything approaching a decent hand job. And even the best aren’t going to exceed the recipient’s own skill, honed to perfection from hundreds of hours of practice.
Bottom line… If you’re thinking about paying for a hand job, do it yourself. The urge’ll pass and afterward you’ll wonder why you’d ever have wasted the money. I know this is mean advice in tough economic times – that if this thinking were to catch on, a lot of innocent massage professionals would be put out of work. But the market’s the market, and hand jobs at any price hold questionable value. If anything, I’m willing to bet the data would show their introductory product position artificially inflates the cost of higher end purchases, like blow jobs. That’s right. You’re hand job costs the guy getting a blow job an extra $25, where the two of you both ought to be getting hummers for the same price you’re paying for a rub and tug.
Think about it. This is important shit.
“• Alpha Male (n.) – A term used exclusively by beta males. ”
I loved this one. 100% truth. “Alpha males” don’t need evolutionary psychology or anything like that to know they’re awesome. They just don’t think about it, ever. You are one of my favourites on Twitter.
PL: It’s the reverse of the, “If you can’t find the sucker at the table, it’s you” rule. If you’re crowning yourself king, you’re the joker.
If you’re interested in the “hierarchy” at all, you’re in the game. And if you’re in the game, you’re already fucking up.
More people need to use Twitter in this manner.
I especially liked the one about critics of snarkiness. A person once told me, “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” To which I replied, “And yet you still don’t get it.”
PL: That’s a fantastic comeback.
I’ve got mixed feelings on snark. Without it, I wouldn’t have half my jokes. But it can be annoying when overused, or merely used to demonstrate intelligence. If you’re not taking risks with comedy, you can get dull, and one of the problems with pure snarkists is they can never look silly. They always have to appear the most clever person in the room. A lot like litigators. Taken too far, it becomes self-parody, as everyone in the room realizes they’re the most insecure and image concerned people in at the table.
But delivered quickly like your line, it’s fucking hysterical. Almost Churchill-like (one of the kings of snark). I’m stealing that, by the way. That’s one that fits a lot of interactions.
I’ve got to say that’s left me feeling all flattered to hell, guy who wrote the book I bought likening my smartass reply to that of Churchill.
While I’m on a roll, here’s a less classy retort cooked up in a heated argument at the pub the other day:
“You want my comeback? Wipe it off your mother’s chin.”
PL: It was a good quote. I give props where they’re deserved.
I’ve heard the “comeback” line before. Not accusing you of borrowing it. I imagine numerous people come to that on
their own, no pun intended.
Number of people presently enamored with “player” culture in CEO positions in 2040? 50 Number engaged in janitorial arts? 10,974,873
What is “player” culture?
PL: PUA stuff, being enamored with Entourage, using the term “player,” etc… It’s a silly young male posture I see a lot these days.