Here’s the second batch of bons mots from my Twitter account:
• Generally, a person’s IQ tends to be inversely proportional to the number of conspiracies he notices in the world.
• I’ll never be an alcoholic. I couldn’t live with the cure.
• If the Founders could see today’s tea parties, they’d beg for the return of the monarchy.
• Say what you will about the evils of sexism, fucking your way up the ladder sure as hell beats working your way there.
• Why does Notre Dame warrant an Obama speech at commencement? Same reason we have to watch their shit football program on NBC?
• Braless in t-shirt, in jeans w/no underwear > Any frilly lingerie. (The more teddies a woman has, the less interesting she’ll be in bed.)
• There’s plenty of private capital out there. It’s just waiting for the basement, to become our natl landlord for pennies on the dollar.
• The cruel irony of the average breast augmentation is it tends to look best when clothed.
• The reason for a random semi-erection when you’re just walking through an office building is?
• Please, tell me more about your views on the torture memos. And while you’re at it, I’d also like root canal, and a dry hand job.
• Risk is wrongly demonized. Look at every ill in the world, at its core, its rotten foundation, and you’ll find something else – certainty.
• The biggest obstacles to formal pot legalization are the types of people arguing most vehemently for pot legalization.
• In a better world, neither tenacity nor talent could exist outside the presence of the other.
• Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t do or teach become pundits.
• Stimulus Good = With all that cash being printed, everybody will be a millionaire in five years. Stimulus Bad = Cheeseburgers will be $75.
• Either have a bush or don’t. The landing strip’s annoying.
• How is Grover Norquist qualified to preach on tax policy? The man’s never held a real private sector job.
• Are you deeply obsessed with the Chris Brown/Rihanna saga? Can’t get enough of it on E! or The Insider? Shoot yourself.
• Nobody ever lost his ass brokering suspension of disbelief to the American public.
• Want to destroy any hope of a housing recovery? Allow bankruptcy courts to cramdown mortgages.
• The Internet’s a great incubator of ideas, but the more everyone’s offering opinions on everything, the less anyone really knows anything.
• “Access Capitalism” is an oxymoron.
• They say the business of America is business. Bullshit. The business of America is process.
• “The J Crew Catalog. Proving that in the right fluorescent light, and slouching, really hot women can look utterly asexual in bikinis.”
• You know what the problem with this country is? Too much coke and speed and X and not enough good old-fashioned acid.
• If a Satanist lives a sinful life, does he go to Heaven?
• I know it’s been said, but listening to Hell Bent for Leather, it bears repeating – How did anyone ever not know Rob Halford was gay?
• I’m all for leaps of faith, so long as they make logical sense.
• Watching TV news stories about Facebook and Twitter is like listening to a man giving updates on the status of piranha eating him alive.
• It’s just a suspicion, but I don’t think activists get laid a lot.
• How do punitive taxes on cigarettes, causing greater numbers to live longer with the chronic ills of old age, decrease health care costs?
• Yes, information yearns to be free. So does the methane in your intestines.
• The only “Rapture” that has ever happened, or will ever happen, is a 1981 punk/disco/hip hop single by Blondie.
• Glenn Beck is a Mormon. Shocking.
• By 2011, FICO scores will be as useful as horoscopes.
• If you think Winning the debate on form > Winning on the merits, you’re part of the reason this country is such a joke.
• Never watch Sophie’s Choice baked.
• You know it’s love when she catches you jerking off and her only response is, “Where’s the damned toothpaste?”
• I’m writing a set of my own 10 Commandments. Each numbered “tweet” following this will be a commandment. “How obnoxious,” I know…
• I. The question isn’t “What can I get away with?” It’s “What should I do?”
• II. Life’s full of injury, and ultimately terminal. You don’t get a check every time something bad happens to you.
• III. You’re not special or unique, and you don’t deserve anything just because you’re you.
• IV. You earned the first $10 million. The rest were gravy, so spare me the Ayn Rand speech.
• V. Commerce is amoral, but that doesn’t give you a pass. If you’re a scumbag in business, but a prince elsewhere, you’re still a scumbag.
• VI. The answer to not having anything to believe in is not believing in anything.
• VII. Religion’s fiction. You and your cat? Going to the same place when you die. Get over it.
• VIII. Some ideas are innately better than others, and you have a duty to ridicule the absurd ones (Creationism, Prop 8, wildcard playoffs…)
• IX. You have a duty to act rationally, even though you don’t like it.
• X. All of these commandments boil down to one simple edict most people who profess to be paragons of virtue roundly ignore: Be Decent.
• Microfinance should but will never work in the USA because it requires adherence to an honor system. A lender would go under in a week.
• The ultimate moral hazard is the decoupling of moral imperative from lending and borrowing relationships.
• It seems wrong in a time filled with so much apparent idiocy that Fred Durst is no longer a legitimate rock star.
• The unexamined life is a lot more pleasant.
• “TOS Violation. Please consult EHarmony’s policies regarding the display of genitalia in profiles.” Shit, that sucks.
• Populism (2009) = The belief angry, stupid legislation best redresses greedy, stupid behavior.
• Anything you can fuck using “The Mystery Method,” you shouldn’t.
• Wondering which dies first – Twitter or Mike Wallace.
• Say what you will about apathy, nobody asks you to paint any banners.
• What if all the assholes raising awareness decided to raise the level of common sense in our national discourse?
• Buy my book. It’s about how I overcame addiction and found Jesus, why the market tanked, and personal branding.
• Naked alone is bad.
• Whatever happened to Yahoo Serious?
• Want to lose faith in humanity? Start reading Amazon reviews of satirical books.
• Discount cigarettes. No age verification! www.smokeyourselfthin.com
• Save the self-analysis. It’s not that you said the wrong thing, or that your timing was bad. You’re simply unattractive.
• Anyone over 25 using the words “belly” or “tummy” needs to be slapped.
• How was Joe Walsh a member of a band as absolutely, irreparably awful as the Eagles?
• Kind of depressed thinking about how Shell Oil had Ken Saro Wiwa murdered. But these chocolate chip pancakes are cheering me up. Mmmmmmmmmm
• So we’re going to plug budget holes by taxing people making over $250k? Anyone have a fucking clue how fast that target group is shrinking?
• They say a lot of people who’d have gone to Wall St. will now go into health care. Great… if you’re a population control advocate.
• I not only dislike reality television, I dislike people who like reality television.
• No. 1 news story on Yahoo: Jewel Forced to Quit Dancing With The Stars. And we’re wondering why this country’s fucked?
• If The Secret doesn’t work for you, what’s left? Rope?
• I want to like Demetri Martin, but not 1/10 as much as he wants me to.
• I miss Bush. Most of the self righteous windbags I know do angry a lot better than syrupy and fawning.
• You know what’s really got everyone so down? That we deserve it.
• Over/under on whether Robert Byrd is diapered these days?
• There’s no meaner oxymoron than “self help book.”
• Driving on a highway is a “privilege,” but having 14 children the state will have to pay for is a “right”? And we wonder why we’re fucked.
• Women hate it when you sleep in just a t-shirt.
• The ultimate problem’s overpopulation, but nobody talks about that.
• What? “Metastases” is a funny sounding word. People are so touchy…
• Charles Nelson Reilly was a poor man’s Paul Lynde.
• It’s not that I don’t like law. I’d just like to actually do something with my life.
• Why is the only unacceptable ethos in this country, “Thanks, but I’ll think for myself”?
• I wonder how many of the Von Trapp children are dead.
• Mormonism needs wizards.
• I never liked Tim Russert.
Fin. (For now)
“TOS Violation. Please consult EHarmony’s policies regarding the display of genitalia in profiles.” Shit, that sucks.
That one was my favorite. Have you ever tried to do stand up? I could see you hosting a fucked up version of the Daily Show where you interviewed weed growers and porn directors.
PL: No, I haven’t. But I’d like to do radio. If an imbecile like Sean Hannity can hold a radio audience, why not me?
Moments when you question the wisdom of your career choice: slowly realizing that you have the biggest stiffy in recent memory while absorbed in a Sandra Day O’Connor opinion.
Weirdest five minutes I’ve had in law school. That confusion easily tops the time a random kid started screaming in class and ran out.
PL: You should be seen by a medical professional. If a legal opinion creates any reaction beyond temporary narcolepsy, you’re not well. Having one spur an erection is an ominous clinical sign.
“You know what’s really got everyone so down? That we deserve it.”
I think this goes hand in hand with the fact that when America actually does fall, a large portion of it will look at that as a good thing.
PL: No one can say we aren’t in dire need of a serious house cleaning.
“Yes, information yearns to be free. So does the methane in your intestines.”
For some reason, this has created a mental image of every fart being led through the intestinal tract by a William Wallace consisting entirely of poo gas.
It is very difficult to stop laughing. Kudos.
PL: Bravefart.
It was too easy.
You know, I was going to write that as a result of all of your “dandiness” regarding your wardrobe and fashion advice as well as your constant reinforcement of how “damned handsome” you think you are, I wanted to be the one who’s allowed to “out” you when you finally admit your homo-narci-sexuality…
But after reading these two Twitter gags, I’ve realized that you have some deep psychological issues related to your penis. You have, categorically, the worst case of “boner-shame” that I ever recall seeing. As such, I shant mock you for your frequent fruity tirades, rather I will appreciate the fact that you’re not complaining about some mistimed erection. For the audacious, every erection has some utility. PIZZA! PIZZA!
PL:I’m not going to have the “Are you gay if you masturbate in the mirror?” debate with you again. My stance remains, it’s healthy. One can never have enough self-esteem.
On the other, agreed. But answer me this… What’s it like having to canvass the neighborhood with the sex offender disclosures? “I was arrested for brandishing a visibly engorged member in a Jack in the Box in 2007. My probation ends in 2012.
…It’s the smell of cheap meat, I think. Really, I’m normal.”
“The ultimate problem’s overpopulation, but nobody talks about that.”
Did you read that stuff on growth from New Scientist that somebody (I) posted before? You said you would once you got the chance. (Or something to that effect). It’s cool if you have no idea what I’m talking about.
If you don’t have a full plate at the moment, I’d love to hear your take on the “Doomer” movement*. Maybe an exposé like you did with the PUAs, an interview or two…
Especially considering the most pessimistic guys** are saying peak oil will hit in the next decade***.
If you’re interested, here is a good place to start****.
Be careful man, this will scare the shit out of you.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doomer
**If in doubt, the pessimist is the only one telling the truth
***http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009/oct/08/peak-oil-could-hit-soon
****http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-QA2rkpBSY
PL: I’ve seen that stuff. Been cited on a Doomers board or two, even. I read the thing you sent, as well as the recent scary piece about how 50% of babies born today are going to live to be 100. We’re in for some nasty cultural reckonings. Expect some seriously ill-considered protectionist movements to take hold in the coming decade.
Theres still some good old fashioned lucy around. I had some at an outdoor rave last month, and I got to watch the Earth’s gravity curve the moonlight into fractals.
I generally agree with you about religion. When America falls, I think the cult industry will be the next bubble.
PL:I think we’re there already. Is there any difference between a cult that believes a comet will rescue them from a dying planet and a “religion” that believes the Earth is 5000 years old? I don’t see any.
As to Lucy, good to hear people are still opening those channels.
Speaking of post-apocalyptic themed stuff, do you like Clutch* or does music have to be old and smelly for you to like it?
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhHTXh80l68
PL: Haven’t listened to them, but I’ll check out the video. My musical tastes are a lot like my writing. I’m try anything once. The genre or age of the stuff is immaterial. A good song’s a good song.
The dry handjob comment reminded me of something I said to an annoying girl who climbed into a bed I had been trying to sleep in* “It is unacceptable to dry hump for more than 15 seconds”
On the fact that Christians believe the world is 5,000 years old…I’m an atheist. Too skeptical of everything religious to be an agnostic at this point. But if we’ll accept that christians believe that some anthropomorphic god created every detail in the universe, demands blind faith, does bizarre shit that was written in a 2000 year old book…why are we getting on their case for not believing scientific evidence. After taking the GIANT “leap of faith” to believe everything else in the bible, its a very small one to believe that God could have created “fake” scientific evidence that the world is older than it “is.”
It’s like getting mad at a reality TV junkie for watching the season finale of American Idol. Once they’re in that deep, they’re beyond redemption.
*It was her bed. I was drunk and her roommate told me to sleep there and that she’d take the girl to share her full bed.
PL: That’s where you’re supposed to get in bed with her and the roommate. You had the invite, dude…
On the bible thing, I’m agnostic. I can’t prove there isn’t something that started this whole mess, and as I’ve said before, it comforts me to think there’s a force beyond us that owns the blame. But organized religion? There’s no positive it’s created that couldn’t have been reached more eloquently, and far less embarrassingly, through secular reasoning.
OK Sr. Dandy, explain why men’s dress slacks require more than one method of remaining closed. The slacks I’m wearing right now have now fewer than three clasps and or buttons on them to ensure that they at worst don’t fall off and at best are not immediately removable.
I suspect a conspiracy by the religious right to decrease the likelihood of sexual activity by either giving us time to think about what we’re doing or by making us look foolish and absurd so that the paramour in this scenario chooses not to engage in physical contact with the wearer of said chastity pants.
And, knowing that you’ve well publicized your Irish bloodlines, I can rest assured that nobody is ever going to accuse you of “brandishing” you erect penis. People brandish swords. People brandish chrome plated Desert Eagles. People do not brandish a roll of dimes.
And a good day to you, sir. PIZZA! PIZZA!
PL: Let me start out by saying I’m glad you gave up the draw strings and Velcro. Though I remain concerned about your attendant lack of drought and famine resistance.
On the pants, I agree. I defy it by going commando in those old grey sweatpants that were popular during the seventies. They come off in a flash and chicks really dig a guy in close fitting sweat pants that show off his junk dangling as he walks. It’s “soft flashing.” Women love it.
I’ve as much Irish blood as you, sir. It’s at least a roll of nickels.
Funniest line out of them all: “The Best of Philalawyer on Twitter”. You’re my favorite living fiction writer, please don’t become a self-referential twat. (Not that I disagree with anything you said.)
Have you seen this? The kid’s a fucking New American Hero: http://edition.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/08/washington.barefoot.burglar/
Oh, and one more thing: Hendrix’ most unappreciated yet brilliant work was The Stars That Play with Laughing Sam’s Dice, without a doubt. Bold as Love was compositionally incredible, but nothing captures what the man was all about like tSTPwLSD. I like to think of it as a four minute and twenty-three second encore/coke orgy right before the aliens beamed Jimi back on board their ship. Wish I had been around to see him alive.
PL: At a certain level, I’m a brand. Best to face it. As to fiction, I wish I could write that. The cash in this business is in screenplays.
As to the kid, a modern Frank Abegnale. And proof some people are just Cool Hand Lukes from birth. Irredeemable little bastard. Hope he goes down in flames rather than face most of the rest of his years in jail. Seems wrong to cage something like that.
Re: Hendrix, that is ridiculous. And aptly described.
Oh, I had sex with the girl who dryhumped me. Of course, I was drunk and she invited. ride the wave. The roommate has a boyfriend and I’m not a fan of cheating these days, having been the cheater and the person who the cheater cheats with…I’ve learned my lesson, neither’s fun, or worth it.
I wasn’t defending religion. I’m just saying if you’re going to take the time to attack it, do it to its face, not on a technicality. People criticizing Christianity on the 5000 years issue reminds me too much of congress- an auxiliary debate to avoid talking about things honestly.
Also, rosie or PL, what does “Pizza! Pizza!” mean? i’ve been commenting on this site over a year and haven’t figured that one out, at all.
PL: You’ll have to ask Rosie. That one even escapes me.
I know you weren’t defending religion. But I think you can appreciate that trying to take it on in total is near impossible. Where do you stop or start criticizing? The thing itself is the best evidence against it. So I just pick a few funny things to mock here and there.
Oops, I meant non-fiction. Whatever. The line gets blurred a lot these days, you know?
PL: It always has been. Perception’s reality. Cracks me up to read a narrative where a person conveniently experiences all sorts of emotional changes that just happen to dovetail with societal narratives about what people in certain situations ought to be experiencing. As if life runs linearly, or predictably. The actual ride is such a pile of zig zags and reactive decisions.
But that’s the story the audience wants, right? The American Dream… That we’re all capable of exuding some sort of overarching control. “That desperate assumption that someone, or at least some force, was tending the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“Lord Jay-sus, make me a marionette!” They’ll do fine, these armies of The Certain… Sure to be smashing successes in the emerging global economic system.
What part of “Ben Kramer is coming home” do you not understand? PIZZA! PIZZA!
PL: In the pantheon of obscure references to multinational smugglers, this takes the cake.
But damn you for compelling me to read ten pages of Supreme Court dicta.
And yes, my original guess was it had something to do with Acosta.
funny but you’re wrong about overpopulation, both because the average american uses over 100 times the natural resources as the third world peasant but more importantly because poor people stop having a lot of kids as soon as they’re giving the chance to lead a stable modern life without needing to have kids as old age insurance and where women can be have more opporutnities than and be respected as more than just breeding machines.
PL: I meant domestic overpopulation. The 140 character limit will make one unclear sometimes.