Hot damn… Another lovely week in this glorious year of the Lord, Two Thousand and Ten. The market’s coughing back all its gains, the jobless rate ticks to 10.1 and the latest ISM Survey has the service sector barely growing.  The hot money’s racing overseas, the President’s got nothing but promises and our Congress only cares for re-election.  $100 million in new AIG bonuses, populists howling for trade wars and everybody’s holding their breath… “What happens later this year, when home buyer tax credit’s gone?”

I don’t know and I don’t care.  The best one can do is ride the waves, pray for some grand swell underneath, an unseen sudden surge, blasting us Up from nowhere – a new and monstrous Bubble gifted us straight from God.

But I’m not a man of religion, and I’m seeing few silver linings.  And neither are you, I assume, or you wouldn’t be here, reading this.  So rather than dwell on the Ugly, let’s talk cars once more.  Because really, what’s more nostalgic – a better flashback to the Booms, and a better symbol of Escape – than a $500,000 Porsche that does 100 miles per hour in just over three and a half seconds?

____________________________

I’ve been told the Benz and the BMW are good cars, but Porsche is a whole other level in terms of both performance and durability. But I’ve heard this mostly from Porsche owners who seem to enjoy feeling superior to BMW and Benz owners. Agree?

Rosie: This brings me to a short rant about how amazingly stupid people are… Especially when it comes to an inability to distinguish the fact that two different hood ornaments on the exact same car do not amount to to different cars… But hey if VW and Porsche want to tear a page from the Camaro/TransAm play book, more power to them. A Porsche is a Volkswagen, granted so is a Veyron, but at least the Veyron has the decency to look like something other than a stretched VW bug. Of all of them, I’m probably most fond of the 2002ish M5. I though the car had understated good looks and one quick trip to Dinan and you had yourself something that would upset your neigbor with the Carrera 4, badly.

DK: It’s true. The older, air-cooled cars especially, are built like tanks. The interiors are kind of crude, but the engines use air to cool themselves, rather than water, so they don’t get traditional overheating problems, and they sound like Satan’s flatulence. They are also not easy to drive. The 1980′s Porsche turbo was known as the “lawyer killer”, because 300 horsepower, turbocharging (which gives you a very snappy power delivery), and primitive, VW-Beetle based underpinings are a handful for even the best driver.

Autoproficianado: It’s not just the owners.  It is a better car.  I’ve never been part of the “I’m better than you because I have (insert car/watch/black card)” crowd.  Those guys have issues and also a script for whale cock-derived penis enhancement pills.  By the way… Did you see this automotive press release when Dartz, the builder of the Russian SUV with the whale penis interior, realized they offended Pamela Anderson?  We all know how much Euro-Russian trash loves some Hep-C blonde Canadians. Classic…

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET’S SAVE THE WHALES.

One month ago DARTZ presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior – PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBaltique), lot of people name this car as DARTZ.KOMBAT. As the world’s resonance was very huge and DARTZ got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, DARTZ make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.

“We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want – to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. Our brand was started at 1869 when in Riga was opened Coach Factory or Russo Baltiysky Vagonnij Zavod – PBVZ, and first products was luxury train coaches. At 1907 was made a decision to open Car Department, and at 1909 first car left factory – the name of this car was RussoBalt. This was luxury and sport cars. At 1911 specially for Monaco Rally car got french style name – RussoBaltique. At 1912 factory made world first 4 x 4 wheel drive car, and at 1914 – armored car. All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that’s why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”

Also we make a decision to pay more attention to glass and on our new car model we will use glass which will be made by special technology – from artificial grown chrystals, which will be gold sputerred to cut IR and UV rays, which make driving inconvinient when sun shine.

Best regards,

DARTZ.EU

Leonard F. Yankelovich

(Being that the other guys were talking about it, I had to throw this in there)

If you could have one Porsche, which would it be?

Autoproficianado: This is harder than the top three.  There is no true answer.  The “all-time” contenders would be: 959, Carrera GT, 917/30, 1994 911 Turbo S factory Slant nose, 993 Turbo S, 996 GT3…

In today’s offerings I’m really digging the Cayman S with the PDK.  I also like the Panamera S (RWD sedan!) and love the GTS Cayenne (I’m not that into turbo engines). The upcoming 997.5 GT3 RS should be hot.  I also dig the Euro only 911 Sports Classic.  Cake.

DK: As for my favorites; in my head, I know a brand new 997 GT3 is probably the best Porsche so far, but emotionally, I have to say that the last 993 Turbo, the last of the old school, air-cooled “true Porsches” is what I’d really want. But deep down, I know that my skill as a driver would match up with something like a base Boxster.

Rosie: 917/30. The baddest, most powerful sports racing car ever built. (Yes, “Period“.)  Mark Donahue was once asked if the car had too much power and Donahue was purported to say “A race car has enough power when you can spin the rear tires, in top gear, at the end of the longest straightaway.” This car was the vehicular end to the ’60s just as Altamont was the end of the ’60′s for hippie culture. Porsche came to the freespirited, the-only-rule-is-there-ain’t-no-rules Can-Am series and beat everyone so badly that the series folded. This car was Thompson’s high water mark in the desert.

Let me beat on Benz for a second. I drove a small Benz CLK convertible around a bit last year and I thought it was a piece of crap. The comparable Audi seems a much better vehicle in terms of handling, comfort and overall quality. Is Benz still suffering from its past “Chrysler-ization”? If so, does the cheapness extend to all models or just the lower end stuff? I remember the S Class doors on the ‘80s Benz sedans felt like bank vault doors. Is the S Class still maintaining that quality?

Autoproficianado: Ah, Chrysler… planned obsolescence.  GLK meet Jeep Commander.  R-Class meet Pacifica.  S-Class meet dollar store quality chrome plastic grill.  I mentioned taint licking a bit back and this brand is right up there.  There’s a reason why thirty year old diesel Mercedes-Benzes are still running and seven year old ones aren’t.  They suck.  If Audi made this kind of crap over the last 15 years they’d be dead.  Mercedes-Benz is lucky to have its branding strength.  The legacy of being the best car money could buy.  There was a time for that.  But it’s over.  Mercedes-Benz is a taxi cab in Europe.  It’s a joke.  But I have to give it to them.  They sell a $200,000 CL65.  It’s just a coupe.  It’s not a supercar.  People buy it because it’s a Mercedes-Benz.  BMW, Audi and Lexus can’t do that off their brand image.  The S-Class hasn’t been a real car since the S420.  It’s plastic, cheap and boring.  A lot of guys love their S63s, and it’s not a bad car, but the S-class just isn’t what it used to be.

DK: I don’t know if it’s “Chrysler-ization” as much as there was a big arms race between the luxury manufacturers to cram as much technology and gadgets into a car as possible, which resulted in a reliability meltdown. Audi stayed free from this with the A8, and while it was never popular, anyone who knew about cars would tell you that the A8 was a standout car. This is where the Germans lost a lot of ground to Lexus as well. When the LS400 came out, that S-Class was still built like a tank, but the gizmos were creeping in. The next generation, around 1999, the car got more expensive, and everything became computerized, the styling was a little less Germanic, and the lack of good electronics meant everything went bust. I mention Lexus because a lot of people got tired of having to bring their car into the shop every few weeks when the windows wouldn’t roll up, so they bought the cheaper, but still prestigious LS430, which was just as quiet, roomy and powerful, for a lot less money. BMW also managed to stay free of these gremlins, even with the radical new 2003 7-series, but that car is a different animal altogether.

The newest S-Class has rebounded spectacularly in terms of quality. It really is a world-standard car again. But I’d still take an A8. I think the new S-Class looks too much like a Hyundai. But those AMG cars with the big block V8s are mean as fuck.

Now, as much as I like Audis, having driven BMWs, I find the Audi’s handling a bit disconnected from the road. I like the feeling BMW gives that you’re actually connected to the pavement. Does Audi make a vehicle that handles in a comparable fashion? Why is Porsche the only actually-purchasable car that provides that feel?

Autoproficianado: I’m a HUGE Audi guy.  I’ve driven all of them.  I’ve had 3.  If Audi was to be compared to my anatomy it would be my dick I love it that much.  They’re a whale of a good time.  (OK, I’m jumping the shark with that one).  In truth, only the Audi RS cars give you great steering feel (RS4 and the non-US RS6).  Their S and S-Line (sports package) cars aren’t that bad.  But Porsche really is the best and there just isn’t a comparison.  The only car in the BMW line up I would take is the upcoming M1 or the current 135i.  This is a proper bimmer akin to its predecessor, the first M3 (E30).  The current M3, M5, M6, X5 M and X6 M (the X6 being the dumbest vehicle BMW ever made) are all too heavy and lack any soul.  A Porsche is always a Porsche.  Its engineering starts at the steering wheel.  Even their Cayenne SUV and Panamera sedan feel like a Porsche.  What’s the difference between a Porcupine and a 911?  The prick’s on the inside…  But to anyone saying that the Porsche is a VW, drive one.  I’d take a GTS Cayenne over the Audi Q7 over the VW Twat-rag (Sorry, Touareg) any day.

DK: Audi has always been handicapped by pedestrian Volkswagen underpinings. They are mostly front wheel drive, until the tires lose grip and the AWD kicks in. But they’ve taken huge strides, and have totally revamped their lineup to be more BMW like, with nicer interiors and aggressive styling. For the first time, the BMW 5-series, which is considered the best sedan in the world, bar none, is getting beaten by the Audi A6, that only a few years ago, was described by a journalist as “like driving a car with square tires”. The new S4 and S5 are true muscle cars, with great handling to boot, and the R8 is certainly the hottest car right now, as well as a revelation for supercars. I’d say they’ve made a total 180 degree turn with their lineup, and they’re finally being accepted as an equal to BMW, rather than Acura.

Rosie?

Rosie: I skipped the last questions because I’m not terribly impressed with an of the premium luxury cars. In my mind a luxury car should ride and feel like a ’66 DeVille. I just don’t have much to add. I have limited seat time in Audis but I was flat knocked out by their commitment to winning LeMans over and over again by pushing the envelope and doing things right every time. I don’t know that it transfers into anything on the street other than the RS6, but then again, the RS6 drew a lot of water…

But as to that unique BMW ride you mentioned, my wife owned a 2000 E46 convertible and two of my friends own E36 M3s. Both of those friends are (or were) professional racing drivers and still drive their ’99 M3′s nearly every day. I have a shit-ton of laps around the track in both cars, and have driven one of them off road in an almond orchard somewhere outside Bakersfield .  Until about two weeks ago, however, I’d never driven one on the street. Within a day of doing so, I happened to also drive a 1999 C5 Corvette (with an automatic transmission). Now, the M3 had a 153 thousand miles on it. It had race compound DOT street tires, improved struts and springs and it was fitted with whatever you call “Monte Carlo Bars” when they’re not attached to a Mustang. The ‘Vette was my father’s car and I have to stipulate that every car my father has ever owned looks like he stores it at the wet end of a salt water boat ramp. And, if I recall correctly, I think the car competed in the 2002 running of the Fabulous Mint 400…

Anyhow, with those qualifiers in place, I will say that for pure sports car performance, handling, braking and acceleration, the M3 felt like it completely owned the Vette. I was surprised because I’ve been in a few Z06s that would turn your nut hairs white they run so hard. I’m blaming a lot of that on the auto transmission and also the overall build quality of the M3 versus the Vette. The automatic in the Vette is the same transmission that motivates such performance luminaries as the Chevrolet Suburban and, of course, it’s harder edged sibling, the GMC Suburban… And it feels like it. Transmission lag in the Vette would put the 930 Porsche’s infamous doctor-killing turbo lag to shame. Fortunately, the Vette is so ponderously overweighted and slow that it’s impossible to be caught by surprise with some sort of unexpected rush of performance. On the other hand, the M3 accelerated sharply (considering it’s an inline six that’s a pretty big compliment). The handling was tight and precise. The fit and finish of the car was still very well composed. Especially in light of the fact that at least 50,000 miles of its 153k miles were spent at the threshold, on the race track (And that doesn’t even consider the fact that I had removed the entire plastic nose undertray while trying to replicate the gravel stage of the rally in the aforementioned orchard. Ari Vatanen, I’m not).

However, when measuring sports/touring car performance there is one critical metric in which Vette absolutely destroyed the M3… Not looking like a social climbing jerk-off. Nobody in a Corvette has ever been accused of being yuppie scum. White trash, maybe. Erectile dysfunctional, perhaps.  But never a yuppie. This was validated when I drove the Vette up PCH on a Saturday afternoon. People I passed smiled and waved at me. Two different, bona fide California bikini girls told me they liked “my” car as I was waiting at a traffic light. Other Vette owners gave me the high sign as I passed. Could you imagine an M3 owner waiving to another M3 owner based solely on the premise that they’re both driving and obviously fond of the same kind of car!? Fuck no. And frankly, for people who actually know haw to drive them, isn’t not looking like a yuppie douchebag what owning a serious performance car is all about?

One person in this group has outrun the police in a high speed chase. (Guess.) You’re being chased by the cops. What car do you want? And no, you can’t say “a truck” and change the hypo to allow yourself to go off road. You’re on a windy, desolate rural highway and the cop has the traditional V8 sedan with the big block engine and the special handling suspension.

Autoproficianado: Only one person?  The typical police car is the Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor.  This car has an electronically limited top speed (Model year 2006 and on) of 120mph.  It’s loaded with batteries and other police gear.  Most sports cars can get away from it.  You’ll want a car that can do about 150mph.  Most police won’t chase you at speeds in excess of 120mph even if they’re in an unmarked Camaro or Mustang that can go faster.  They like to live too.  NJ happens to have a no pursuit rule.  So, it does matter where you’re being chased.  This leads me to my next point: The answer is not a supercar… I know, sad right?  What would be more thrilling than dusting the cops in a Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 SV?  A good part of getting away is blending in.  If you’re driving a super car they’ll find you.  You can’t outrun the radio if you’re going to be spotted by every citizen with a cell phone or every cop in the state.  Also, if you’re driving a European car in the sticks you’ll be found later as well.  But who drives in the south anyways?  The movie Ronin made the right choice.  They chose an understated, powerful, AWD sedan; the S8.  If you’re in an all wheel drive car and it’s raining, snowing or you’re driving aggressively in the bends you’ll have better grip than the rear wheel drive cop car.  As much as I’d like an RS4 for this, it’s a little loud.  The S6 and S8 are limited production and although subdued you’ll never see another one on the road to blend in with.  My choice: the BMW 335i xi sedan with a manual and in silver.  It’s not the best AWD or the fastest car in the world but it’ll do 150mph.  It handles and there are loads of them on the road.  If you do end up getting caught (down the road when you’ve returned to normal speeds) it’s a better defense to be driving a common car than if you’re driving a McLaren.  Or maybe I’m wrong and the best thing is not having your license plate identified… and in that case it’s the Bugatti Veyron.  SEE YA!

DK: I usually think about this in the context of the city, where discretion is key. So a Pontiac G8 with the V8 engine would be perfect, especially in biege. But on a rural road, it’s different. I’ll say this; most police cars are slow. The Ford Crown Victorias in particular, are not fast at all, their V8s are pretty anemic and the handling package isn’t all that great either. Even something like a V8 Dodge Charger can be outrun by a V6 Camry (theoretically).

The new Nissan GTR would be my pick. It’s not the most exciting car to drive, but it is one of the fastest, and it will never let you get caught out. The grip of the AWD and the amazing suspension mean that you can rape anybody short of Michael Schumacher, no matter what the weather, road surface or opposing car is. You would literally need a Ferrari Enzo or a Bugatti Veyron to match its performance. I drove a GTR recently, that had been bumped up to 650 horsepower, and let me tell you – the phrase “I nearly shit my pants” is now a horrible cliche, but it was entirely appropriate for this car. Not only would the cop not be able to catch you, he would have no idea where the fuck you went.

Rosie: I guess if a trophy truck is off limits I probably can’t ask for a Bell 222 or a 40 Skater with a pair of 1,600hp Sterlings, huh? OK, if I’m required  to stay on the pavement, then I really see only one logical choice… The Yamaha R1. You have to have the chops and the balls to run it as hard as it can run, but if you’ve got the goods so does the R1. It has brutal acceleration, otherworldly brakes… and it’s small enough to hide behind a dumpster until the heat blows over.

Let me guess… Jim Beam?

“Cheap beer, Cuervo 1800 and Rumple Minze (to make my breath smell nice).”

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