The mid-90’s Mercedes Benz 500SL is a personal favorite, classic styling.

PL: The ’90s SL was a classic. Gorgeous car.

“My H has been stolen! Awww, that’s how people know it’s a Honda. Why would you drive a Honda if you can’t show it off?”

PL: My favorite Chalmers bit is still the “steamed hams/Utica” thing:

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendent Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Seymour Skinner: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.
Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?
Seymour Skinner: Yes, it’s a regional dialect.
Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Seymour Skinner: Uhh … Upstate New York.
Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I’m from Utica, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase
’steamed hams.’
Seymour Skinner: Oh, not in Utica. No, it’s an Albany expression.
Superintendent Chalmers: I see.
Superintendent Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty
Burger.
Seymour Skinner: Oh ho ho, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendent Chalmers: For steamed hams …
Seymour Skinner: Yes …
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously
grilled.
Seymour Skinner: You know I— One thing I sh— Excuse me for one second.
[Skinner walks into the kitchen and returns to the dining room.]
Seymour Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I’m pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be— Good lord, what is happening in there?
Seymour Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the
country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Seymour Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Seymour Skinner: No

Coach: “Now, I know you boys have been on spring break doing things I would rather not know about, but you better still be in shape. Did you guys do any running over the break?”
Smart Ass: “Yeah…from the cops.”

That cracked me up every year and still brings a smile to my face.

I love the actual name of the car, but I wouldn’t touch a Corvette. You might not be yuppie scum, but the stink of Corvette Guy is worse. The friendly wave is acknowledgement that you have joined their team of tools who purchased their expensive car, not as a reflection of their fabricated personality (like a BMW), but as a personality in and of itself. It is not a coincidence that half of the awful vanity plates you see on the road are hanging off the bumpers of Corvettes. This fact wasn’t lost on the producers of Con Air when they made the tags on obnoxiously arrogant DEA Agent Duncan Malloy’s (admittedly awesome) Vette read “AZZ KIKR”.

Even though I don’t care too much about cars, this has been a great discussion.

PL: I’ll let Rosie argue Vettes with you.

As to fleeing cops, if you haven’t run from one, you haven’t been living right. Everybody ought to know the feeling. That moment where your feet like they weight 1000lbs is one of the scariest moments, and the millisecond where it breaks and suddenly you feel like Carl Lewis, is exhilarating in a way that can only be explained and understood among people who’ve been there.

PL: I’m a man of compassion and understanding, but for saddling our culture with those godawful Range Rovers and Jaguars, I imagine a number of Americans might not be so merciful.

Then again, you also gave use Aston Martin, probably the best looking supercars ever developed, so there is an argument to be made that your engineers’ sins on those other models are more than forgiven.

PL: Thanks, but the credit for the writing goes to the people I questioned, Rosie, Autoproficianado and Derek Kriendler (http://derekkreindler.blogspot.com/).

This was, however, difficult to write. It’s a failing in my character, or constitution, that my escapes from the police have only been on foot. Seems wrong, and small of me, considering I know a couple others who’ve eluded them on motor vehicles. Two on a moped, together.

But enough about my lacking self esteem… On the whiskey issue, have you seen this piece: http://philalawyer.net/2009/07/bourbon/ ? I haven’t done scotch because, to borrow a line from our President, I’m finding it “out of my pay grade.” I’m a lowly blend drinker, and to do that issue right, one needs far greater experience with the single malts.

She ran in, slammed the door, and announced that she’d been there for the last two hours before filling us in on what had just happened. We could see the police car in the parking lot from my friend’s apartment, but didn’t feel like waiting for him to leave; you don’t postpone drinking in Alabama. So, we played it cool, walked to his car and tried to pay the right amount of attention to the cop. Too much and we’d give away being nervous. Too little and we look suspicious. He was looking in the through the driver side window as we passed. We piled into my friend’s VW and as we were pulling out of the parking lot the girl said “I shouldn’t have left my gun on the seat.”

Her getaway vehicle of choice: Ford pickup truck. For an urban chase, top speed is irrelevant, you need a car that will be so common that you have a real chance of eluding the police. If they never get your tags the best option is to blend in and disappear.

PL: Another nice thing was to have access to a set of what were called “dealer plates” here in Pennsylvania. Don’t know if they still make them anymore, but they used to have these valid plates with magnets on them (went right over the top of your current plate… I think car dealers used them to transport vehicles or allow people to take test drives). Buddy of mine had a couple back in high school. Not much use with a cop unless you were prepared to run, and I didn’t have the truck or the balls for a straight on dash from police. But if there was any risk you might have a citizen on your tail for doing something wrong, it was a nice thing to have. Traced, it went to whatever dealer from which my buddy’d taken it.

And I still hear the angels sing everytime I look at a photo of a 40 Skater. But this is about cars and to digress into boats would be a step through the ceiling for most people.

PIZZA! PIZZA!

Car #1
‘96 Saturn
My Drunk Driving car.

Pros:
Still runs.
Power windows for easy empty beer can ejection
Automatic, free hand for holding of fresh beer can
Made of Plastic

Cons:
Missing passenger sideview mirror (whoops)
Both front quarter panels cracked (whoops and whoops)
Tape deck (though possibly a pro because the only tape I have is Dre’s Chronic 2001)
Piece of shit

Car #2
2000 Tiburon
My Picking Up Chicks car

Pros:
Standard, chicks think I’m badass
Leather seats, chicks think I’m like Mad Max
CD player, chicks think I’m technological savvy

Cons:
It’s a hyundai
Breaks down a lot
Girl’s car

PL: I favor #1. Those plastic panels bounce off things nicely. No good for the high speed crash, but excellent for rebounding off poles and other cars in tavern parking lots.