This is a short one, as much an inquiry to readers as it is a post. If you’ve read the chapter, “Sudden Asshole Syndrome” in HHIFA, you’ve seen my friend “Alex” and I dissect “dicks,” “douchebags,” “pricks,” “cocksuckers,” “scumbags,” “assholes” and even the British variant of “cunts.”
One form of rodent’s missing, and it’s the type who vex us most. Walk through your day in your mind, naming the species of every irritant you encounter. Seven out of ten will be “tools.” They’re ubiquitous. Any office, any room, with more than a dozen people has at least one tool in attendance. And try as you might to avoid him, the son of a bitch will find you. He’ll seek you out, corner you, infect whatever it is you’re doing… irritate, infuriate, drive you to the edge of violence – talking about nothing, needling, whining and inflicting his views on your person. God help you if you work with the bastard, or worse yet, he’s in your department. You’ll dream of choking him purple, of leaping over the conference table and crushing his larynx like a walnut… Saving the rest of the race from enduring another moment of this nails-on-blackboard personality, with its pointless, needless interjections, its niggling irrelevant critiques and persistent failure to notice that Nobody Wants to Listen to Anything It Has to Say.
But where do these creatures come from? What defines them, makes them what they are? You know one when you see one, of course. But there has to be a common tether, some shared form of dysfunction that binds all tools together.
I looked for that link when I was writing HHIFA. Researched the issue for weeks, because to write about office malfunctions, one has to address the tool. He sits at the base of most problems in every corporate structure in the country. Attrition, delay, low morale – the tool’s been involved somehow. Infighting, disruption, malpractice – his fingerprints are in there somewhere. But it’s rarely ever direct. The tool works more like a cancer, sabotaging from within while appearing utterly harmless. And the harrowing thing about these organisms is the probable lack of intent. Observe the tool in nature and you’ll know, he rarely realizes what he’s doing.
Which is exactly why my research came up blank. I couldn’t pin a profile on the tool, and then it struck me… That’s his defense. He’s everywhere and nowehere at once, the Keyser Soze of corporate malignancies. In the interest of actually, finally answering the question, “How do you define a tool?” below are a few interviews I took which were included in an early draft of the book. Maybe they flesh the animal out. Maybe not. Maybe you can do better. I’m all ears.*
Harris. Latex dynasty heir, Analyst. Washington DC.
H: “A tool bothers you. Their chief attribute is being annoying.”
PL: “Anybody can be annoying. Douchebags are annoying.”
H: “Yeh, but a douchebag’s a real flagrant dickhead, and kind of a buffoon. A tool’s aggravating, but not that over the top.”
PL: “That’s a fine line. How does a tool compare to an asshole, then?”
H: “Assholes are usually directly irritating. A tool’s mostly indirect. But I guess tools could be a passive aggressive subset of asshole.”
PL: “But isn’t that really a prick?”
H: “No. A prick’s in your face. A tool’s annoying even when he’s not being a tool to you. It’s more a state of being than any specific behavior. Listening to a tool talk to someone else can be annoying. They’re like really bad karaoke. You feel like you have to leave the room.”
Donika: Literary Editor, Enabler. New York City.
D: “The best way to describe a tool is lack of authenticity. I hate to define them in relation to nerds, but the two are so frequently confused I kind of have to… A nerd knows he’s not cool and does his own thing. A tool is trying to be something. He’s a geek who thinks he’s really fucking cool, or is trying to be. Does that make sense?”
PL: “What do you think a tool’s trying to be?”
D: “I don’t know. I don’t think the tool knows. Whatever he’s not? They kind of lack a real identity. You never know what you’re getting with a tool. They shift to fit the moment and they don’t leave anything to show where they’re coming from.”
PL: “Like what?”
D: “Like anything. Nerds tend to be a creative types. They build things. A tool’s more a critic. He tears things down to make himself feel better.”
Les: Society gadfly, Investor. Washington D.C.
L: “Tools don’t ‘play’ the game. They believe in it… buy into it.”
PL: “How so?”
L: “They miss the bigger picture. They fight battles, not wars. And they always have to be right.”
PL: “You mixed two things there.”
L: “No I didn’t. They’ve always got something to prove, just within a very narrow game. They live in a really small universe, and they love office politics.”
Alex: Performance Artist, Acquisition Specialist. Left Coast.
A: “Chet. Chet from Weird Science.”
PL: “Anthony Michael Hall’s character or the other guy? And weren’t they both nerds?”
A: “No. Chet was the older brother. Who the fuck played him? Shit. Give me a second… Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton’s character.”
PL: “Chet wasn’t a tool. Chet was a dick. Classic, archetypical dick.”
A: “When was the last time you watched the movie?”
PL: “Few years ago I think.”
A: “Do you recall Chet getting any ass?”
PL: “No.”
A: “Exactly. He picks on the nerds and then when the computerized super-chick shows up… What was her name?”
PL: “Kelly LeBrock.”
A: “Nice. Anyway, when she shows up, Chet shits himself. He can’t handle her.”
PL: “Chet’s a meathead. He’s not a tool.”
A: “Chet gets no action, has no friends and hangs around the house, in hunting gear, beating on a couple geeks. Chet’s a fucking tool.”
_______________________
*If we get enough funny and insightful responses, we’ll throw them into a follow-up piece. Either way. I’ll be diligent about getting the comments up fast to keep any discussion building to what will hopefully be a complete definition.
I’d like to bring to your attention the US Navy’s version, Joe Navy. Joe Navy is the guy who stops people on the ship who have their hands in their pockets, gives you shit about strings on your coveralls, who uses the navy as a shield to keep himself from getting his ass kicked by the people who work for him. Joe Navy is the guy who calls people Shipmate or even worse, Sea Warrior. He asks people “what have you done for MY Navy today?” He signs his name with a USN at the end. If a Joe doesnt have any rank, he will not hesitate to snitch on anyone he sees not cleaning. Joe takes his work home with him. Joe Navy gets mad when you say a floor instead of deck, bathroom instead of head, or candy instead of geedunk. In a lot of cases, Joe Navy fucks with people because he himself is 50 pounds out of fitness standards. He loves the Navy more than he loves his family. Joe Navy is also the exact reason why I will not stay in the Navy. A friend and I are cataloging all types of Joe and Joe behaviors, and i noticed a lot of parallels between a garden variety tool and Joe Navy. the difference is, Joe Navy always ends up in positions of authority because most of the smart people in the navy get out after their first hitch.
[...] In February, Philalawyer had a discussion asking his readers to define the exact makeup of the tools that cause us misery every day. Lots of harsh language here. [...]