Welcome to PhilaLawyer.net. Here you will find the classic Philadelphia Lawyer stories, as well as essays and updates by the author.
The Philadelphia Lawyer book, Happy Hour is for Amateurs, is now available for order in paperback, with a release date of October 13, 2009.

“Raucous, hilarious, and disturbing in all the right ways. I got drunk just reading this book.” – A.J. Baime, Executive Editor, Playboy

“A rollicking, booze-fueled joyride through the dark underbelly of the American legal system.” – Frank Kelly Rich, author of The Modern Drunkard

“I was fired from my first legal job within a month, and this book explains why it was the best thing to ever happen to me.” – Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“The Philadelphia Lawyer leaps off the printed page like a seersuckered superhero — a literary lothario Hunter S. Thompson would have been proud to call ‘Counselor.’” – Mark Ebner, author of Six Degrees of Paris Hilton

“Takes sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll deep into the bowels of modern law. If justice is blind, then The Philadelphia Lawyer is pop culture’s new canine guide for the visually impaired… Sometimes sophomoric, but intensely insightful.” – Kirkus Reviews

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Most of you probably already know about Cracked.com. If you don’t, you should. Simply, directly, it’s one of the funniest sites on the internet – probably the best all around blend of pop culture, quirky and “high brow scatological” comedy going right now. All of it really well written.
In light of the synergies, and a shared sense of responsibility to our readers, the writers at Cracked have graciously allowed me to do a guest piece on an important social issue we both feel strongly about – Bad Sex. Yes, it happens. Anyway, here’s the link. Seven Supposedly Fun (And Actually Awful) Sex Ideas.

Title: “HAPPY HOUR IS FOR AMATEURS”
The long awaited Philalawyer book, Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: A Lost Decade in the World’s Worst Profession is being printed as you read this and will be available in bookstores on October 14, 2008. For those of you who can’t wait that long, click the photo to purchase now from Amazon.com. Pre-orders should ship in the first week of October.

For some people, happy hour is never enough

This is a book about escape. It’s also about laughing gas. And booze and dope and sex and every other vice millions of us indulge in to forget our jobs, the office, and the stifling, corporate caricatures we’re forced to become for paychecks. This is a book about a decade lost in a senseless career no one likes and all the ridiculous things I did to run from it. In the end, it’s probably your story as much as mine. We’re everywhere. We just can’t say it out loud.
Advance Praise:
“I was fired from my first legal job within a month, and this book explains why it was the best thing to ever happen to me.” – Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
“A rollicking, booze-fueled joyride through the dark underbelly of the American legal system.” – Frank Kelly Rich, Author of the Modern Drunkard
“Raucous, hilarious, and disturbing in all the right ways. I got drunk just reading this book.” – A.J. Baime, executive editor, Playboy
“The Philadelphia Lawyer leaps off the page like a seersuckered superhero – a literary lothario Hunter S. Thompson would have been proud to call ‘counselor.’” – Mark Ebner, co-author of Hollywood, Interrupted
“A Gen-Xer’s satirical memoir takes sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll deep into the bowels of modern law. If justice is blind, then “The Philadelphia Lawyer” (a mysterious Pennsylvania blogger, true identity unknown) is the pop culture’s new canine guide for the visually impaired… Sometimes sophomoric, but intensely insightful.” – Kirkus Reviews
Legal Industry Buzz:
“The best book on law since that one by Grisham… the one where Samuel Jackson shoots the guy at the end.” – Nancy Grace, CNN’s Nancy Grace
“Vain and gaudy, yet glorious and vulnerable. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man for lawyers.” – Doug Llewellyn, The People’s Court
“I haven’t masturbated to anything this much since Caligula.” – Justice Antonin Scalia, author of Making Your Case: The Art of Persuading Judges
Useful Reader Feedback:
“What makes this book so exceptional is this anonymous writer’s amazing portrayal of the post adolescent, disillusioned and bored male. Some of the stories he recounts of law school and in the legal profession are among the funniest, and meaningful, stories that I have read in years. While they will undoubtedly offend prudes and the squeamish, I laughed and loved every minute I spent reading this book.”
“It should probably be required reading for any college student considering law school. Men will either like this guy or not and the decision will be made. Women can be forewarned: get ready because this is reality. And perhaps that’s what is most amazing about this book: a lawyer telling the truth.”
“[The book] speaks to those legions of white-collar workers who find themselves trapped in a rip current of mundane, ego-driven office politics, motivated by little else than a desire to acquire enough wealth to escape, and burdened by the realization that the harder they struggle against it, the faster they drown.”
Favorite Reader Feedback:
“Any good writing is overwhelmed by the sheer volume of distasteful stories, descriptions and frat boy musings that fill these pages. I couldn’t finish it fast enough, and not in a good way. Recommendation: No, no, no!!!!! I felt as if I needed to shower after this book. It is vulgar, debasing to anyone mentioned within these pages, profane and really a disgrace to William Morrow, the publisher. This is a book to toss aside as quickly as possible, and if possible from great heights!”
“In the first two chapters, our hero ingests numerous narcotics and alcoholic beverages, ‘dates’ a number of women… and finds himself surrounded by the stupidest bunch of losers on the planet… I think I’ll pass on the rest of the story. The blurb describes this as ‘outrageous, juvenile, raucous, and entertaining.’ At least they got the ‘juvenile’ part right.”
“…[T]he reader treats us to the story of how he has wasted his life using drugs and alcohol, all the while feeling superior to anyone who might actually be trying to earn a day’s pay… Isn’t that special?”

Hello,
PhilaLawyer’s book has a release date, so this is your chance to sign up for reminders on events and links to related web content. We won’t e-mail you about anything besides the book. So if you’re interested in keeping tabs on its progress, please fill in below.
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Thank you for your feedback.

Just kidding, he’s totally coming back. Phila Lawyer asked me to update readers of this site on his recent absence. He’s been strictly focused on finishing his book, which is now in the end stages of completion. As soon as it is finalized, he’ll be back here for your reading pleasure. In the meantime, enjoy the archives and look forward a slight change of pace when he returns.* Also, he’ll be embarrassed that I said this, but he’s way too humble anyway. The book is really, really, good– lots of new material and insights. So you can look forward to that as well. Thanks for reading, and expect new entries in about a month.
Donika (PL editor)
* Possible understatement.

Hello -
PhilaLawyer is temporarily indisposed, in a manner of speaking, and will resume posts the week after the upcoming holiday. The combination of book editing, work and this site can redline the mind… He hopes you understand.
Delays like this should subside once the book is finalized in the coming months.
He advised me that he intends to send the “Funniest Legal Blog” prize to Judge Roy Pearson. He has the details. Thanks for the suggestions in that regard and have a great holiday week.
-Donika

“You like me, you really like me…”
- Sally Field, 1985 Oscar Acceptance Speech
This site was recently named funniest legal blog, even though, as the gracious contest host noted, this isn’t really a “blog” or limited to law (I will be posting something on that issue shortly).
Not surprisingly, there was some controversy about this site’s success in the poll.
The question now is, what prize I should select, and to whom I should send it?
I figure it’s best to let the readers decide. The prize is to be selected from a store called “The Billable Hour” (watches excluded). My thinking is that we should buy the “Slam a Gavel”¹ and mail it to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Clarence Thomas, the Judge who jailed Paris Hilton or Judge Roy Pearson, a degenerate Washington DC jurist who recently lost a suit against his dry cleaner seeking $54 million in damages for lost pants.
I am not married to the concept of gifting the prize to a judge, but I can’t think of any other type of person to send this sort of material. If you have any other suggestions regarding who ought to receive it, or what the gift card should say, please send them to me or offer a comment here. I’ll decide by the weekend. Thanks.
———-
¹ Look closely at the words on the gavel set. You’ll understand why it’s the best of the prizes.